The Three Witches
by HiBob
Summary: When shall we three meet again? I'm free on Tuesday. Can't. I have double potions then. How about Friday? I've been grounded by Miss Hardbroom. Make it late Friday so I can sneak out.
1. Prologue

THE THREE WITCHES

By HiBob

A dramatic adventure-comedy in thirteen tragic chapters

Chapter One: Disclaimers

This story is a multiple crossover. That means I have taken characters from wherever I felt like, and didn't care if I kept them in character or not. Some of this may be a spoiler, but them again, I doubt it.

I do not own any of the characters from the "Harry Potter" Series by JK Rowling.

I do not own any of the characters from the "Worst Witch" Series by Jill Murphy

I do not own any of the characters from the "Worst Witch" television series, as well.

I do not own any of the characters from the "Disc World" Series by Terry Prachett

I do not own any of the characters from the movie, "Erik the Viking."

I do not own any of the characters from the movie, "Little Nemo."

I do not own any of the characters from the movie, "Merlin," staring Sam Neill.

I do not own any of the characters from the movie series of "Indiana Jones."

I do not own any of the characters from the movie series of "Lord of the Rings."

I do not own any of the characters from the Book, "Lord of the Rings."

I do not own any of the characters from the television series, "Joe 90."

I do not own any of the characters from Greek Mythology.

I do not own any of the characters from Roman Mythology.

I do not own any of the characters from Egyptian Mythology.

I do not think that even half of these disclaimers are necessary.

Please note that the Unseen University will not make an appearance in this story.

Chapter One A: What's with all the stupid disclaimers?

Most of them are not necessary. Half the time, a character is merely mentioned. But I thought it would be a lot of fun just writing a long list of disclaimers. I was going to write an intro for all of the characters but that would have taken too long and with no real purpose. For example, I wrote a disclaimer for the movie, "Little Nemo." That is because I mention Morpheus, the King of Slumberland. The only reason I did this was because I know readers would see the name and assume that I was referring to Morpheus, the king of dreams, from the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman. The humor in this is that many readers will not know either source, but there you go.

Chapter One B: Chapter List

Chapter 01: Prologue

Chapter 02: The First Witch

Chapter 03: The Worst Witch

Chapter 04: Disc Witch

Chapter 05: Fearsome Foes

Chapter 06: The Boons

Chapter 07: Joe 90

Chapter 08: Treasure Hunt

Chapter 09: The Cave

Chapter 10: The Last Competition

Chapter 11: We Have A Winner

Chapter 12: Epilogue

Chapter 13: All The Extra Stuff

(As a quick note, the story is already written, hence the chapter list. It will be posted at the rate of one chapter per day, if possible.)

Chapter One C: Prologue

This story, like all stories, starts at the beginning

In the beginning, the meeting was called to order. This meeting, however, did not take place with people. It took place with the gods. And to the gods, this all was a game. But one thing is known. When gods play games, people always suffer. And they had chosen their first victim.

* * *

Her name was Hermione Granger. And she had finished another adventurous year, her fifth, at her school. Hogwarts. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Because Hermione Granger was a witch. And the best witch in her class. And in the school.

The year had ended on a sad note. One of her best friends, a boy by the name of Harry Potter, had lost his godfather under dire circumstances.

Harry was not your usual boy. He had a scar on his forehead. A curse scar. It was given to him when he was only one year old. An evil wizard had killed his parents, then turned his wand on him. But something happened. The wizard was all but destroyed. All Harry received was a lightning-bolt-shaped scar.

The evil wizard was back and had recently tricked Harry into a dangerous action which proved to be a trap. Harry, and his friends who came with him, were saved by the timely arrival of his godfather and members of the Order. The evil wizard's minions were captured, with one exception. And no one was permanently hurt, again with one exception, Harry's godfather. Harry feels responsible for that death.

Hermione and the others did their best to help Harry accept what had happened, and she left him with, she hoped, confidence to face the future.

Now. Hermione watched as her friend left King's Cross Station with his Aunt and Uncle. She knew they despised him. Because they despised magic. But she had heard reassurances that he would be free of them as soon as possible. Saying her goodbyes, she turned to rejoin her parents. She stepped toward them and her foot landed on . . .

Grass.


	2. The First Witch

A/N: I begin my apologies for not making my first chapter more interesting. Please note that I did add an extra line at the end which should help, but if you've already read the first chapter that doesn't help. I originally intended to post the first two chapters by was not cooperating with me. By the time I finished posting the first chapter I needed to leave for work. I had no choice in that matter as I have already used all of my sick leave days for the first half of the year and I wanted to save my vacation days. Being the conscientious person that I am, (please stop laughing,) the idea never occurred to me to be a few minutes late. At least not until after I've had my annual review. My thanks to everyone who read the first chapter anyway.

Chapter Two: The First Witch

Hermione watched as her friend left King's Cross Station with his Aunt and Uncle. She knew they despised him. Because they despised magic. But she had heard reassurances that he would be free of them as soon as possible. Saying her goodbyes, she turned to rejoin her parents. She stepped toward them and her foot landed on . . .

Grass.

Hermione was in a meadow. Birds were singing from the copse of trees not too far away. Butterflies were flitting from wildflower to wildflower. It was a beautiful summer day.

Panic never entered her head. At once she had her wand out and was turning around looking for danger. She stopped to listen once she assured herself there was nothing to see, and a butterfly made a poignant irony by landing on her wand. Hermione couldn't help but smile.

CLINK.

Hermione turned toward the copse of trees. Oddly, she had heard the sound of glass hitting glass. She could see nothing in the shadows but she could hear sounds. Sounds of children. Wand at the ready, she walked slowly and steadily toward the trees. Entering the shadows she spied another harmless sight.

Three children, bent over a circle. A blond teenaged boy dressed in light colored furs. A blond girl the same age, in woolen skirt and blouse. With his back to Hermione was the third child, most likely a boy, probably eight or nine, long brown hair, tunic and leggings of rough wool died dark brown to match his hair.

Putting her wand away, Hermione called out to the trio.

"Excuse me."

"WE'RE BUSY."

It was the brown boy who shouted. He was still hunched down over the circle of (Hermione could finally see) marbles. The girl looked up at her and smiled at some inner joke.

"Odin."

"I'm shooting."

"She's here."

"OH, POOF." The boy called Odin stood up, throwing his marble into the dirt at the same time. He turned around with anger on his face and looked at Hermione.

"I guess the game's over, Thor."

"Not yet," the older boy answered. "We'll come back to it later. Me and Freyja will make sure no one bothers anything."

Odin relaxed. "Thanks. I owe you."

Freyja laughed. "We're all on holiday until this is over, remember. You've payed us already."

Odin glanced back at his friends and smiled. Turning back he began walking toward the girl who interrupted him.

"I'm sorry, Hermione. We were waiting for you and I guess I got a little involved."

"You know me."

"Hermione Granger. You just finished your fifth year of seven, scoring top marks on all your OWLs. Your teeth used to be larger but you magicked them to a prettier size. And . . . I could go on, but I think you want to know about me." Odin smiled as arrogantly as was possible for a boy of eight. "I would."

Hermione had to laugh, which caused Odin to frown, which caused Hermione to laugh harder.

"I was trying to be serious," Odin pouted.

"I'm sorry." Hermione tried to sound serious as well but it was ruined by a giggle. "Really. It was just the way you said that." Smiling sincerely she asked. "So, Odin, what about you?"

Odin would have stopped frowning except he could hear his two friends behind him. They were snickering.

"Let's take a walk, Hermione."

Odin ran up to the young witch and grabbed her hand. He tugged at her, getting her to follow him at a half run. They ran a fair distance until they went over a low hill and the trees were lost to sight.

"Here, by the brook," Odin said and led Hermione to a small stream. He let go and sat down, sticking his feet into the water. She had not noticed until then that he was barefoot. With mixed feelings of trepidation and mirth she sat down next to him.

"You didn't answer my question."

Odin nodded as he leaned back on his elbows. "Hermione, you know my name's Odin."

"I heard your friends call you that. I also heard their names. Thor and Freyja. Your parents must be into Norse mythology."

Odin gave an impish grin. "Close. My parents are in Norse mythology. Me, too."

Hermione stopped in the middle of her smirk. The boy sounded so serious. And . . .

"Really," Odin insisted when he saw her look. "Hermione . . . I . . . Am . . . Odin."

"Then why are you only eight? Or are you nine?"

"Think." Odin's voice suddenly sounded older than his age. "You are one of my acolytes. You should be able to figure it out."

Hermione nodded. It was a test of some sort. She thought of what she knew of Odin. The Norse god of Wisdom and Knowledge. The old man with one eye. The two ravens. The tales of Ragnarok, the final battle. But the myths did not explain why Odin would appear as a young boy. No one would think of him as the harbinger of knowledge. To look at him, lying on his back, his feet in the water, you could only see a boy. An innocent boy who could not harm anyone.

"Deception."

Odin laughed in delight. "That's great. You figured it out really fast. You are smart."

Hermione smiled at his reaction. "If I may ask, Lord Odin. Why did you bring me here? And where is here?"

Odin propped himself up on his elbows again. "Here is . . . just a place. And I didn't bring you here. I only came here to meet you. The gods are having a contest, and you have been chosen as one of the contestants."

"What kind of contest?" Her smile faded.

"It'll be lots of fun. Hermione, do you know about the multiverse?"

"Multiverse?"

"Yeah. You live on your world which is in your solar system which is in your galaxy which is in your cluster which is in your universe. You follow that, don't you."

Odin received a hesitant yes.

"Well, there's another universe next door. It's just like your universe mostly but with some differences. And there's a universe next to that, and so on."

Hermione nodded. "And they make up the multiverse."

Odin nodded happily. "And here's the clincher. Each universe is governed by a set of physical laws, but the set of laws is not the same for each universe. And that's why we're having this contest. You'll compete against two other witches from two other worlds."

Hermione frowned. "But why?"

"It'll be fun to watch. The three of you use magic differently. The contest is to see which of you uses magic the best. And this world lets each of you use your own style of magic."

"I could have guessed that." Hermione's voice was a little frantic. "Why are the gods having a contest?"

Odin sat up and looked at his companion with sad eyes. "I'll give you a godlike answer. Why not?" He sighed. "The gods are doing this because they can. And it's not to the death or anything. If you end up being killed, you're really only disqualified."

"And why are YOU doing this?"

Odin sighed again. "I didn't bother going to the last council meeting. I hate going anyway. The meetings are boring. And the dinner afterwards. Last time, I sat next to Isis, the Mother-Goddess of Egypt. She insisted on cutting my meat for me." Hermione snorted and Odin gave a wry smile. "She tucked my serviette under my chin, and she would have fed me if I didn't grab my fork at once." Between fits of laughter, Odin added. "She must have told me a dozen times to keep my elbows off the table."

It was a while before they both calmed down. Then Odin continued. "They made me a judge, Hermione. One of three. I'm supposed to greet one of the contestants, you, and explain about the contest. Then I'm supposed to lead you to the spot where we'll meet the other contestants and judges."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "Well, explain the contest and then let's get going. I think I'd like to get this over with."

"We're there, already. I just need to explain the contest. At least what I know. And there's only one more thing. I don't know what you have to do, but each of you can ask for some kind of help."

"Like someone to help me?" Hermione immediately thought of asking for Dumbledore's help.

"Or something useful that you might normally use. But there is a catch. All three of you get that boon, or its counterpart, from each world."

Hermione smiled. She had an advantage in mind. She dare not ask for Dumbledore. Dumbledore was the most powerful user of magic she knew. Who knew how powerful the witch or wizard was that the others would know. But she did have a powerful friend. She could ask for a close male companion. Harry Potter would be here to help her. (And away from the Dursleys, she mentally added.) And the other witches would each end up with a boyfriend who was, hopefully, less skilled than Harry was. But she did have one more question, a very important one.

"Odin. What happens if I win? What do I get?"

Odin's grin was full of mirth.


	3. The Worst Witch

Chapter Three: The Worst Witch

Merlin the Wizard waited patiently at the appointed spot. While he was wary of the gods at all times, he was not about to refuse a request. He had lived a long and, at times, happy life. And he wished to continue to do so. It was an easy enough task, however. Be one of three to judge the skills of three different witches from three different realms of existence. Decide which one performs magic in the best way. The gods would be amused by this diversion.

Merlin looked up from his thoughts. A fourteen-year-old girl with waist-length brown hair plaited into pigtails had suddenly appeared ten feet from him, looking the other way. She wore her school uniform with cape and hat and shouted as she looked around, her voice pleading.

"Enid Nightshade, what did you do now? Enid?" The girl turned around and jumped in surprise. "Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't see you. Do you know what happened?"

"Do not be alarmed, Mildred Hubble." Merlin smiled. "I apologize for the abrupt change of place but this is supposed to be a surprise. Are you familiar with the multiverse?"

Mildred frowned at the strange question. "Do you mean like group chanting?"

"Not exactly. Mildred, you know about the world you live on."

A hesitant reply. "Yes, Sir."

"Well, there are other worlds as well, and other witches, each world having its own form of magic. Do you follow?"

"Not really, Sir. I'm afraid I've never taken astronomy."

Merlin huffed. This was not what he was expecting. "Mildred. Let me explain this as simply as I can. There are entities so much more powerful than witches and wizards that we call them gods, with a small g. Now, the gods have decided to have a contest of magical skills and you have been chosen as one of the contestants." He smiled. "Isn't that wonderful?"

Mildred looked horrified. "But . . . I can't be in a contest. We're supposed to go back to school today and I know Miss Hardbroom agreed to let me keep Tabby but she tells me all the time that I need to study more and that I'm the worst witch in the school. I can't really." Mildred took a deep breath, then looked at the wizard. "Excuse me, Sir. You look familiar. I don't mean to be rude but who are you?"

"Oh, no. I'm the one who's being rude. I should have introduced myself at once. Merlin Ambrosias at your service."

"The Merlin? With all due respects, Sir. I thought you died a long time ago."

Merlin laughed. "The truth is that I lived a long time ago. I haven't had the time to die yet. And I don't plan on doing so in the near future." He extended his arm. "Shall we go, Mildred?"

"Where, Sir?"

"To meet the other contestants."

"But I can't compete," Mildred insisted. "I told you. I'm not very good at magic."

"But . . . I was told that you were the best witch."

"I'm sorry, Mister Merlin, Sir. I don't know who told you that. If anything, I'm the complete opposite. I never seem to do anything right. Ethel Hallow and her friends even made a poem about me. Mildred Hubble. Nothing but trouble."

Merlin frowned as he looked at the young girl standing downcast next to him. She seemed on the verge of tears. He tried to sound cheerful.

"Then I guess you don't have to worry about winning. I mean, I really can't send you back until after the contest, but since you're here, why don't you compete anyway." He grinned as Mildred looked up. "You'll get to meet some interesting people at the least."

Mildred snorted at his tone. "You mean witches who know ten times the magic that I do?"

"More than that," Merlin said in an expansive voice. "For example. You've already met me. And the other two judges are interesting people as well. Odin, the Norse god is one. And I'm told that Morpheus himself is the other. And who knows whom you'll spy in the viewing stands."

Merlin's words worked. He escorted a much happier Mildred Hubble from the field they were standing in. They went over a low hill to see a creek in the distance with two figures sitting there. And they made off in that direction.

"Please tell me, Mildred," Merlin asked, "what you were doing before you came here. You said you had to return to school."

"We were at Rowan-Webb's Riverside Retreat, Mister Merlin."

"That would be you and the girl you mentioned, Enid."

"All the second year girls, as well as Miss Cackle, she's the headmistress, and Miss Hardbroom."

"Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Um, yeah," Mildred said softly.

Merlin gave a friendly laugh. "I'm not an inquisitor, dear child. I am only trying to make conversation. If you would rather not say anything . . ."

"It's not that, Sir. I . . . I caused a few problems. I took my cat along. I mean, we were supposed to, but they took Tabby away from me and gave me a regular black cat. I was supposed to take my new cat."

"And that is why you came into trouble? For bringing the wrong cat." Merlin kept himself from asking why they gave Mildred a new cat. He had the feeling that her story was going to be too convoluted as it were.

"Well, I didn't really get into trouble for that. I hid Tabby on the boat. Merlin said it would be a safe place. That's Merlin Langspear. He's apprentice to Algernon Rowen-Webb, the wizard."

"I see. And is my namesake your boyfriend?"

Mildred blushed slightly. "Maud and Ruby were teasing me about that. He's a boy who's a friend. We met when he came to visit our school. That was before I found Algernon . . ." Mildred paused. "Should I explain that?"

"Maybe later," Merlin suggested, then prompted her to continue the story. "So Merlin had you hide Tabby on the boat, and you did not get into trouble because of it?"

"Well, Ethel Hallow untied the boat and let it slip down the river. She was trying to get me into trouble. She always does. But I guess she didn't know that Miss Hardbroom was on the boat."

"And why was Miss Hardbroom on the boat?"

"I guess she suspected something. She's always suspicious of me. She thinks I'm always up to something."

"But you were up to something."

Mildred paused. "Uh, yes, but I wanted to keep Tabby. It's not fair to reward me by taking away my cat just because she isn't black like everyone else's cat."

Merlin smiled vacantly. The conversation was not going very well. Did Mildred say they were rewarding her by taking her cat away? Mildred, unaware of the magician's confusion, continued her explanation.

"Merlin suggested I fly Miss Hardbroom's broom out to the boat, but she was unconscious. Then I lost her broom when it came loose from the rope. It kept pulling after the boat had beached on some rocks."

"Ah, I understand. You were using a flying broom to tow the boat back to the dock." Merlin was happy that he had understood at least one part of the story.

Mildred nodded. "Then Maud and Drusilla flew by, and we used their brooms to tow the boat. But we found the Dragon's treasure on the rocks, and it was lucky for us. I ended up wearing the amulet that helped defeat the Dragon Lord. That's why Miss Cackle let me keep Tabby."

Merlin was impressed by this last statement. "And was the Dragon Lord a dangerous foe?"

"Well, he was going to imprison everyone inside the rocks in the cave. I guess he was."

"It seems to me, Mildred, that if the worst witch in your world can defeat a dragon lord, then she is well qualified for this contest. It seems to me that the worst thing about you is that you lack confidence in yourself."

"Hail, Merlin of Anglia," called the boy by the stream.

Merlin turned to the boy. "Odin Stormcrow, greetings to you."

"He's just a boy," Mildred whispered.

"He likes to manifest himself that way. Although I don't know why. No one ever takes him seriously when he's like that."

"I think he's cute," Mildred replied as they stepped up to the other two.

"You see, Hermione," Odin said cheerfully. "Some people do like me the way I am. Hermione, this is Mildred Hubble. Mildred Hubble, this is Hermione Granger, the best student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Merlin gave a broad smile and a wink to Mildred. "It seems that the two of you are well matched, Miss Granger. Mildred is considered the worst student at her school, Miss Cackle's Academy for Young Witches."

Mildred saw the confused look on the other girl's face and had to laugh. "Really, it's true. I'm not very good at being a witch. You don't have to worry about me."

"Unless Dragons are involved," Merlin said, causing Mildred to giggle.

"Dragons?" Hermione asked Mildred.

"I happened to meet a Dragon Lord while I just happened to be wearing a magic amulet that protected me from his power." Mildred smiled ingenuously. "And I thought it was just a nice looking necklace."


	4. Disc Witch

Chapter Four: Disc Witch

Collagan's Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures: Pictsies

Picties are not fairies and, for your own protection, should never be referred to as such. They are a small race, little more than six inches tall. All pictsies have red hair. Their bodies often look blue but that is because of tattoes of woad over every visible part of their bodies.

Pictsies are a nesting species who will inhabit hollow trees, old burial mounds and abandoned, or soon to be abandoned, farmhouses.

* * *

"Ach, Rob, do ye t'ink dis is wise?" 

The two picties watched the girl from a safe distance.

"Are ye daft, Daft Wullie . . ."

"Aye, Rob. 'at's why me name is Daft Wullie. I wouldna' be named tha' if I wasn't."

Rob ignored him. "Ye heard wha' the Kelda tol' us. I'll hide an ye watch. If tha' bigjob was righ', ye tell 'er."

"Aye, Rob."

"An' ye do it ye sceamin' wee scunner."

"Aye, Rob," Daft Wullie said with slightly less cheer. He watched as Rob slipped unnoticed into the apron pocket.

"Well, almost unnoticed," Daft Wullie told the Kelda, and everyone else. "An' the wee bigjob hag looked down at Rob, and she were gone."

* * *

Life on the Chalk was not always an easy life. It was made hard by being a girl, barely ten years of age. It was made harder by being a witch. And Tiffany was both. When she was even younger, she heard about a woman burned as a witch. That was when she decided to be a witch. To make sure it never happened again. 

Tiffany had an advantage. Her grandmother was Granny Aching. And when Granny went anywhere, everyone took notice. Granny was always there when she was needed. For the spring lambs, for the harvest, when someone became ill, and when someone died.

No one was there for Granny when she died.

That was how Granny wanted it.

Granny always got what she wanted.

And so did Tiffany. But Tiffany had a problem. She was only a child. She didn't know what she wanted. She knew the big things, of course. Happiness, Family, Health, Good Friends. But she needed to learn the little things.

Now Tiffany was in the cheese barn. On the farm, that was the thing she did best. She made cheese. And, even though she was young, she was there for the spring lambs.

Tiffany Aching looked down in surprise. A red-haired man, six inches tall, covered in blue tattoos and wearing a kilt, had just jumped into the pocket of her apron. Then she looked up to see another surprise. She was no longer in the barn. She was on a low hill that looked out over a level plain. She could see a river in the distance. And the ten-year-old girl frowned. The flat land seemed to bend.

IT ALWAYS DOES THAT.

"I'm not dead. I know that much. Is this your place?" Tiffany quickly placed a hand over her apron pocket while Death smiled at the young witch. Despite his effort this did not make him appear more friendly.

NO. MY PLACE IS NOT QUITE REAL. THIS IS A DIFFERENT WORLD.

"This is a different disc?"

THIS WORLD IS NOT A DISC. IT IS AN ORB.

Tiffany nodded. "That explains why the world bends. Why don't we fall off?"

BECAUSE WE DON'T.

Tiffany looked Death in the eye, at least in the eye socket.

"I'm taking this rather calmly, don't you think."

A GIFT OF THE GODS. THEY DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU TO BE UPSET.

Tiffany smiled. She didn't become upset because something upset her. She became upset because she chose to be.

SHALL I EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU? THERE IS TO BE A CONTEST BETWEEN THREE WITCHES FROM THREE WORLDS. THE WINNER WILL BE PERMITTED TO ASK THE GODS THREE QUESTIONS.

"And the losers?"

I WAS NOT TOLD. Death paused, but Tiffany did not ask the obvious question. He answered it anyway. I ASSUME THEY GO HOME.

Tiffany nodded.

"And if I refuse to play?"

THE DISC WILL BE DESTROYED.

"Can I have a moment alone to think about it? In private. With no one listening in."

SHALL I TAKE THE MACFEEGLE WITH ME?

Tiffany frowned. Death would always know who was present. This new world did not affect his abilities. Or hers, she noted. "That's why I want privacy."

MY HORSE IS RESTLESS. I WILL TAKE BINKY FOR A WALK. WHEN YOU ARE DONE TALKING WALK TOWARD THE RIVER. YOU WILL MEET THE OTHER WITCHES ON THE WAY.

Tiffany nodded, and watched as Death mounted Binky and rode away. She took her hand from over her apron pocket, reached in and pulled out the small blue man in a kilt.

"Oh, wallie, wallie, wallie, me wee bigjob hag. Am too late te warn ye,"

"About what, Rob Anybody?"

"A bigjob wizard came ta talk to th' kelda. He was tryin' ta warn ye aboot . . . dis."

Tiffany smiled. "I thank you, Rob, for trying to help me. And when you return, thank the kelda for sending her Big Man with the warning."

Rob smiled in relief.

"Rob, how did you receive a warning?"

"It were a bigjob wizard," Rob said anxiously. "He said ye were ta be taken away and put on a trial. Wi' lawyers."

Tiffany knew about Picties. She knew that they hated to be called fairies. They were incredibly strong and feared nothing. Except lawyers. Fortunately, there was one thing they feared more than lawyers. Witches. And Tiffany, for all her young age, was a witch tried and true. But she also knew that the Nac Mac Feegles did not like wizards. (Too simpleminded.) (This is true. Although, for a MacFeegle, this was a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black.)

"Rob, did he actually say there were lawyers?"

Rob looked embarrassed. "Well . . . No . . . But I t'ought wha' wi' the trial . . ."

Tiffany smiled at the wee man in her hand.

"It is a trial of skills. A contest."

Rob frowned. "But the wizard . . . ?"

Tiffany frowned. "And why did you talk to a wizard?"

Rob frowned some more. "He bribed us." A look of awe took hold of his face. "Twelve bottles o' malt whiskey. T'wer a sight to behold."

Tiffany almost laughed. The MacFeegle Clan would be a sight to behold for the next fortnight with that much whiskey to drink. "Did the wizard say anything else?"

"Yeah," Rob said, almost whispering. "He would na tell us 'is name. 'e wanted it all to be 'low key,' wha' e'er tha' means."

"It means, Rob Anybody MacFeegle, that you are stuck here with me until after the contest." Tiffany looked around. "Wherever here is."

Tiffany set Rob down and let him follow at his own pace, which was usually much faster than hers, and began her walk toward the river. Her guide was nowhere to be seen, which was no surprise. He had a habit of appearing suddenly which is why you rarely saw Death coming.

After a while, the young witch walked over another low hill and saw four people talking. Two girls, older than she, who were obviously the other witches. An old man, who looked like a wizard if a wizard was actually to be taken seriously. The fourth was a boy younger than her who seemed to act much older.

"Excuse me. Has the contest started yet?"

All four turned to face her. The wizard smiled.

"There is plenty of time. Are you the witch?" He glanced at the boy. "Or the other judge?"

"I'm the witch. I guess Death is going to be the other judged."

"Death?" The girl in pigtails looked at Tiffany with fear, but the wizard patted her shoulder.

"Clearly, Mildred, it is to make sure you DON'T die. Who better to choose to guarantee that?"

"I suppose you're right, Mister Merlin. I was taken by surprise. That's all." She walked up to Tiffany and held out her hand. "Hi. I'm Mildred Hubble."

"Tiffany Aching. Are you really a witch?"

Mildred smiled shyly. "A witch in training. I'm only in my second year. That's Hermione Granger. She just finished her fifth year. When did you start learning to be a witch? You're so much younger than we are."

Tiffany frowned. "I've always been a witch. I am fostering with an older witch to learn the finer points, if that's what you mean?"

"The finer points?" Hermione Granger asked as she walked up. "I don't mean to be rude but don't you need to learn how to do magic?"

Tiffany frowned again. "I don't understand. What do I need to know? You don't learn how to do magic. You just do it."

Hermione smiled. "Different worlds. Different ways. Mildred and I both go to school. In her world, anyone can learn to be a witch or wizard. In my world, I was born a witch, and I'm learning the spells."

Tiffany nodded. "I understand this world is an orb. Is your world?"

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "Yes. What else would it be?"

Odin interrupted. "Hermione, you and Mildred might be interested to know that Tiffany's world is a disc."

"A disc world? How . . . I don't even know what question to ask."

Tiffany actually laughed at the looks the other two witches gave her. "Different worlds. Different ways. My world sits on the back of four great elephants who in turn stand on the back of the giant Tortoise A'Tuin which swims through space."

Hermione looked amused while Mildred was wide-eyed.

"A giant Tortoise?" Mildred asked. Tiffany nodded. Mildred looked at Merlin who also nodded. She looked down at Odin who nodded as well. "I would love to see it."

"Make that two of us," Hermione added.

"It might be possible," a new voice spoke, as though loudly and from a distance. Everyone turned toward the new voice. Clouds shaped themselves on the horizon into the forms of people. The manifestation of the gods. "I am Zeus," the voice said, now an immense ghostly figure in the sky. "I welcome you to this contest. May the best witch win."

"And I am Jove," a second, and identical, figure said. "We are the chairmen of the council and we have orchestrated this contest for the amusement of all. I hope that the three of you enjoy it as well." He raised a ghostly hand. "And before any of you ask, do not worry. You can be returned to your own worlds at the very moment you left. No one needs to know that you ever went anywhere."

"And now for the first test," Zeus said. He waved his arm and three wooden tables appeared, each with a wooden bucket. "This is a simple test. More to show each of you how the other uses magic than anything else. All you have to do is fill your bucket with water from the stream." He wagged a finger. "And not by physical means."

AM I LATE?

Mildred jumped when she suddenly noticed the skeletal figure beside her.

I'M SORRY I STARTLED YOU, Death whispered.

"You're just in time," Odin said.

"Death, if I may ask," Merlin asked. "I was told that Morpheus, the King of Slumberland, had agreed to judge?"

"I can answer that," Odin replied. "When asked, what he actually said was, 'in your dreams'. The gods assumed this was a yes until it was explained to them."

Merlin saw Mildred frown at Odin's smirk. "My dear girl, the gods are very good at the big things. It always seems to be the small details that trip them up."

Merlin glanced down at Odin. "Present company excepted."

This time, Mildred smirked and Odin frowned.

"The contest," Zeus and Jove reminded them.

"If you like, I'll go first," Hermione offered. She stood by the bucket and pulled out her wand. "Accio Aqua." A spout of water shot up from the pool. A sufficient amount of water separated from the spout and landed in the bucket. Not a drop was spilled or splashed. Hermione was very proud of herself when she heard the applause. Then she heard Mildred's awed remark and felt embarrassed for some reason.

"That was amazing." Nervously, Mildred then asked, "Is it my turn?" She approached her bucket and bit her lip, trying to remember the proper chant. "Actus turnus, zipilong zanibar, Avitus markus, Aqua tubbar."

Then Mildred winced. That last word wasn't even a real chant word. She put it in because it rhymed and seemed to fit. Her wincing was appropriate because at that moment the bucket flew off the table and landed in the middle of the stream with great force. It was filled only by the fact that it was now wedged in the rocks at the bottom of the stream.

Hermione felt the need to say something when she saw the girl's reaction to what she had done. "Mildred, don't fret," she said as she put a comforting arm on her shoulder. "You DID fill the bucket."

Tiffany Aching watched the other two with trepidation. The gods were now looking at her and she had no idea of what to do. She stepped toward the bucket trying to think when she saw Rob beneath her table, grinning. He already anticipated what his 'wee bigjob hag' would do.

Tiffany smiled and looked up. The wizard, Merlin, even said that the gods were not good at the small things. Maybe they wouldn't notice one small man, if that man was very fast.

"Bucket, fill yourself."

The bucket seemed to jump off the table and all the way into the stream. It plunged under the water and came back up, then skimmed across the surface of the grass, stopping to rest at Tiffany's feet. No one noticed the blue blur or thought anything of it.

#$&(

A/N: I wanted to specifically thank all of my reviewers so far. Ouatic-7 (I agree with your review of chapter one), Raziel Tepes, HLB, sophiedb (I apologize for not spending more time talking about the turtle), and GhostDraconi.

I've never attempted a multiple crossover before and I will admit that this won't be my best work ever. I hope everyone likes it, but please don't hesitate to point out the parts that don't seem to work. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm off to breakfast.


	5. Fearsome Foes

A/N: I wanted to point out to Raziel Tepes, that the little men are not pixies, those cute little imps that inhabit fairy tales. These are PICTSIES. Think drunken Scots looking for a brawl and you have a perfect picture of these cute little creatures when they are sober. When Pictsies are drunk it is best to move to the next county until their hangovers clear up.

Also, to Ouatic-7, I was about to say no, the story was not built around this joke, but I forget which joke it was built around. Therefore, my answer is a hesitant maybe.

Thanks to everyone for reading.

Chapter Five: Fearsome Foes

The three young witches watched as the judges huddle to make their decision. Mildred Hubble was the only one of the three who was not secretly anxious to win. Tiffany Aching would not admit it, to anyone except herself, but she wanted to be proven the best witch. It would show that the gods were not very attentive. She would never point this out to them but it would be nice to KNOW she was right.

Hermione Granger also wanted to win. She would never admit it, even to herself, but she was a very competitive person. She liked to win. She liked being the smartest student at school. She liked knowing more spells than anyone else. She liked being the best. But she liked being the best because she earned it. Otherwise, she would rather lose. That was why she liked Tiffany. The girl was obviously a skilled witch despite her age. She would be good competition.

Mildred worried Hermione. It seemed that she should not be in this contest at all. True, Mildred had performed one spell, but Hermione would be pleasantly surprised to know that Tiffany agreed with her. And they both would be surprised that Mildred felt the same way.

The judges turned to face the young witches. Merlin spoke.

"With all due respect to the other two witches, we have given the first round to Tiffany Aching." He gave an odd look at death. "By a vote of two to zero with one abstention. It seems that she was able to perform the task by a simple command, whereas you, Mildred, used a chant, and you, Hermione, cast a spell using a wand."

"Ye did it, ye wee bigjob hag," Rob Anybody whispered from his hiding spot.

"Shhh," Tiffany said quickly, then looked up as everyone stared at her. "Oh, am I supposed to say something? Thank you for being so kind?"

Merlin gave her a strange look while Odin seemed amused. Death gave her another of his smiles. Again, she did not find it comforting.

"Ach," Rob began to say, too loudly.

"AND . . ." Tiffany quickly shouted, to hide the fact that Rob was there. As she said that she realized that she had to say something else. She immediately thought of something appropriate. ". . . what trick do you want us to perform next?"

"Impertinent little thing," Merlin said to his fellow judges.

SHE IS A WITCH, Death explained. ON THE DISC, WITCHES DO NOT LIKE TO HAVE THEIR TIME WASTED. UNLESS THEY DO IT THEMSELVES.

"Yeah, let's get on with it," Odin said cheerfully. "I'm sure we can skip all the conjuring tricks and get to something interesting. How about a confrontation?" He looked to the clouds where Zeus and Jove watched with mild boredom. "Shall we have each face the person one of the others finds most fearsome?"

"Done," the two chairgods said.

* * *

Hermione immediately found herself back at the copse of trees. Curious, she looked in the shade to see Thor and Freyja standing guard over the circle of marbles. They saw her and waved. Then Thor pointed behind her. She turned to see a stern-faced woman with her hair tied in a tight bun. Hermione's first reaction was a young Professor McGonagall. 

"Where am I?" the woman asked angrily. "Girl, do you know what happened?"

Hermione hesitated for only a moment and drew her wand. "I will defeat you, whoever you are."

The woman glared at Hermione. "Why do I have the feeling that Mildred Hubble is involved? What did she do this time?" She pointed her finger and Hermione's wand disappeared, giving the girl a shock, figuratively and literally. "Well? I haven't got all day."

Hermione stared at her hand in surprise. "It's a contest," she explained. "By the gods. You're the person that Mildred most fears."

"Really? And why would she be afraid of me?" The woman paused. "And who are you?"

"Hermione Granger, Madam."

The woman glared at the girl. "I am not a Madam. I am a Miss. Miss Hardbroom. I'm Mildred's Potions teacher. And where is Mildred?"

"Um," Hermione said in consternation.

"UM?" Miss Hardbroom said sarcastically. "Do you really expect me to believe she's in the land of UM. For a girl your age you should have a bit more self confidence."

"I WAS expecting to fight someone," Hermione pointed out. "You were a bit of a surprise."

Miss Hardbroom gave a harsh laugh. "A bit? Then it's obvious you don't know Mildred Hubble very well. If you did you would have expected anything." She paused. "And Mildred is afraid of me? I wonder why."

"Maybe because you yell all the time?" Hermione said in a snide voice.

"I DO NOT YELL ALL THE TIME." Miss Hardbroom blushed lightly. "Well, occasionally I do." She looked questioningly at Hermione. "You said this was a contest? What ever is its purpose?"

"To determine who is the best witch."

"Then why is Mildred involved?"

Hermione paused. "I was wondering that myself. She doesn't seem to be very skilled at magic. But one of the judges, Merlin, said she defeated a Dragon."

"She isn't. And she did."

At this point, Miss Hardbroom spotted Thor and Freyja standing near the trees. "Do you know who they are, Hermione?"

"Norse gods. The boy is Thor, the god of thunder. The girl is Freyja, the goddess of fertility."

"And I suppose Odin is a little boy in knickerbockers."

Hermione's face filled with a smile. "He doesn't wear knickerbockers."

The two looked at each other and began laughing. Then Miss Hardbroom pointed to the trees. "Why don't we sit in the shade while we wait for this contest to end? I'll explain to you how the worst witch in the school defeated the most powerful Dragon Lord in the land."

As they walked to the copse of trees. Hermione felt another shock. Her wand was back in her hand. She politely put it away.

* * *

Tiffany Aching was surprised to find herself back at the place she first arrived. She was even more surprised to see an old man with a long beard holding a cup of tea. He was wearing a bright red robe covered with runes. 

"Please tell me you're not a wizard."

"Albus Dumbledore, at your service," the old man said, his eyes twinkling. "And since you asked so politely, I will not tell you that I am a wizard."

Tiffany giggled, then paused in embarrassment. Witches don't giggle. That was when she remembered her conversation with Granny Weatherwax. Don't forget to live. Tiffany decided that witches do giggle. If they're young. "You must be from Hermione's world." She held out her hand as she had seen Hermione do. "I'm Tiffany Aching."

"And, Tiffany Aching, are you a witch, by any chance?" The eyes were still twinkling.

"I am, um . . ." Tiffany paused. She knew what wizards were called in her world, but she felt she shouldn't use such language around strangers. In a heartbeat, she had her answer. Seasoned witches were called Granny. And he was a seasoned wizard, from a world where wizards were clearly respectable. ". . . Grandfather Dumbledore."

Albus smiled appreciatively at the young girl. "If I may ask, Miss Aching. Do you know why I am here? And where here is?"

"The gods are having a contest. They made this world so that each contestant could use her own form of magic."

"And why am I not surprised by any of this? Is that a gift from the gods?"

Tiffany smiled as she nodded her head. This man was completely not what she expected. In two short minutes he had shown himself to be serious and wise, yet still retain a sense of humour. She envied Hermione Granger for living in such an interesting world.

"Grandfather? I was supposed to confront the person Hermione Granger feared the most. Why would you appear?"

"Ah, fear. An interesting word, child. It can mean several things. To be afraid. To be in awe. Or both, as in a fearsome beast. Miss Granger has seen me in my wrath. She knows what I am capable of doing should I chose to use my powers. It think it frightened her . . . and put her in awe of me, a little. That is probably why we are having this conversation."

Albus pulled out his wand. A table and two chairs appeared. On the table was a teapot and a cup. He told the girl to take a seat as he picked up the teapot and refilled his cup, then filled the other cup for Tiffany. As he sat down, he looked approvingly at the young girl. "Magic is a very useful tool, Miss Aching, but you must remember the most important thing about magic. You must know when not to use it."

Tiffany was in awe. "That was exactly what Granny Weatherwax told me." Then she explained. "Granny, excuse me, Mistress Weatherwax is the most powerful witch on the disc."

"She must be an extremely wise woman," Albus commented, and smiled when Tiffany blushed. For her part, Tiffany could only wish that there was a wizard in her world who was like this man.

* * *

Mildred Hubble turned with a start when she saw where she was. She was even more surprised by the person facing her. It wasn't a person at all. It was a body. An old woman dressed in black was lying still on the grass. The odd part was that she had a card on her chest which said, "I ain't dead yet." 

"MISTER MERLIN," Mildred shouted, hoping someone would hear her. "I NEED HELP."

"You need to stop shouting," the old woman said suddenly as she rubbed her eyes. She sat up and looked at Mildred. "What do you need help about?"

Mildred was stunned. "I thought you were hurt or something."

"Me? Hurt? I was just doing bees. You need to keep in practice with bees."

"Yes, Ma'am," Mildred said in confusion. She went to help the old woman stand up but her hand was swatted away. So she simply stood there.

"Who are you, girl? Yer a witch, I can see that."

Mildred smiled nervously. "The hat and cape are part of my school uniform."

"That's nice. But don't overdo the book learnin' and forget about the witchin'."

"But I'm going to school to learn to be a witch."

The old woman snorted. "You can't learn to be a witch. You're a witch or you're not a witch. Take off that cloak and get rid of that hat and you'll still be a witch. It's what in you that makes a witch, um, whatever your name is."

"Mildred Hubble, Miss . . ."

"Mistress Weatherwax," the old woman said "And what are the gods up to this time?"

"You know about the gods?" Mildred was surprised.

"I can feel them." Granny looked around. "Never felt them this strong before." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "That always bodes ill, I know that." She looked at Mildred. "And why are we here?"

"We're supposed to fight each other, I think."

Granny smirked. "With our fists? Do you really plan to beat up a little old lady like me?"

Mildred tried to smile. "Honestly, Ma'am, I don't think I could, even if I tried."

Granny's smirk became a smile. "Should we use magic?"

Mildred frowned. "Miss Cackle teaches us only to use magic for the good we can do."

Granny's voice became almost tender while still retaining its sternness. "But sometimes we have to decide what it means to be good. And you know that, Mildred. I can see it in your face."

"Yes, " Mildred said, nodding her head.

"What did the gods tell you to do?"

"To confront the person that one of the other contestants fears most . . . no, it was finds most fearsome."

Granny Weatherwax nodded. The child was still nervous but she was beginning to relax. Knowing always helps to be in control. The trick was knowing enough to know you didn't need to know everything to be in control, at least in control of yourself. And Mildred Hubble had told Granny one other thing. The young girl from the chalk was here as well.

"I won't tell ye to stop being afraid, Mildred Hubble, but you should learn not to show you're afraid. That's half the battle."

Mildred gave her nervous nod again. "I know that, but I'm always afraid of doing things wrong. I love learning magic and everything, but I'm not very good. I'm always making mistakes with my spells."

"Do you remember your mistakes?"

Mildred blushed. "Every one."

"Good. Because it's going to happen. One day, one of those mistakes is exactly what you're going to want. So remember every one of them as clearly as you can." Granny smiled to herself as Mildred gave her an honest smile of her own. "Well, that does it for confronting fearsome people. Do you know where we can get some tea?"

* * *

Hermione was amazed at how knowledgeable Miss Hardbroom was. When magic could be learned by anyone, it was very important to know what magic would do. In Hermione's world, knowing what you intended to do was more important. Miss Hardbroom admitted that if it were true in her world, Mildred Hubble would be a very powerful witch. "It's not that Mildred is stupid, although I've called her a stupid girl many times. I simply cannot motivate that girl to apply herself to her studies. She causes most of her problems, you know, although she always manages to muddle her way through." 

"Like with the Dragon Lord?" Thor asked.

Miss Hardbroom managed to smile and grimace at the same time. "Exactly. Now, I admit that the Dragon Lord would have been released from his prison anyway, which makes it even more annoying, but she would never have been in a position to do anything if she hadn't insisted on bringing along her tabby cat when we had given her a perfectly good black cat. If she hadn't hid the cat on Wizard Rowan-Webb's boat, I wouldn't have become suspicious. And if she hadn't been interrupted in her attempt to feed the cat I wouldn't have slipped on that kipper and knocked myself out."

Hermione and the gods couldn't help but laugh. They tried to apologize but Miss Hardbroom waved it off.

"These things always happen with Mildred around. But to make a long story short, Ethel Hallow, an excellent student but with a spiteful streak, loosed the boat from it moorings, and when Mildred tried to keep Tabby, and myself, from going over the falls, she accidentally beached the boat on some rocks where the Dragon Lord's horde just happened to have been hidden. Then, on a whim, she decided to wear a necklace she found in the chest. And that necklace just happened to be the amulet that protected the wearer from the Dragon Lord's power."

Hermione was laughing again. "And she saved everyone."

Miss Hardbroom nodded. "And I even had to thank Mildred for rescuing me."

"And what happened to the Dragon Lord?" Freyja asked. But she never received her answer. A gong was heard and Miss Hardbroom disappeared at that moment.

"I guess this part of the contest is over," Thor said with a shrug of his shoulders.


	6. The Boons

Chapter Six: The Boons

The three witches were suddenly back by the river, and the judges were in a huddle again. When they finished their consultation, Odin spoke to them.

"Although the competition did not go as planned, we've decided to award the round to Tiffany again. While all of you came to terms with your adversaries, the young lady managed to be served tea and scones by her opponent." He smiled at Mildred. "I'm sorry, my dear, but while you also had tea, you were forced to make it."

"Tea?" Hermione asked.

"I'll explain later," Mildred offered.

IT IS TIME FOR THE BOONS, Death pointed out.

Odin smiled. "Thank you for reminding me." He turned back to the witches. "Do you know about the boons? Each of you may ask for one thing, be it animal, vegetable or mineral, to aid you in the contest. Whatever you ask for, the others will get its counterpart from their world. Mildred, what would you like?"

Mildred bit her lip. "Well, I was taught that a witch should always have her hat, her broom, and her cat. I already have my hat . . ."

"We can do that," Merlin said after a look at the gods in the clouds. "All three of you will get the witches tools."

Mildred's reticence became a smile. Her cat appeared suddenly, along with her broom. She immediately picked up the cat and hugged it. Tabby, in turn, began purring at once.

"Your broom is broken," Tiffany pointed out.

"I did that on my very first day of school. It flies well enough since I fixed it but it does have that bend in it. That's why I call it Banana Broom."

"You named your broom?"

Hermione and Tiffany shared smiles. Then Hermione heard a growl. Crookshanks was sitting in front of her, with a broom and her hat. Hermione saw with surprise that it was Ron's Cleansweep Seven. She noted to herself that it was a definite advantage for her if she needed to fly. She had no idea what to do with the hat or Crookshanks, but the cat had already decided to take care of itself.

Now it was Tiffany's turn to be surprised. Her broom appeared suddenly along with the cat. But the cat seemed to be covered with a blue mist that quickly dispersed. "Oh, no," she said out loud. The blue mist was several dozen MacFeegles scattering to the wind. Somehow they must have known that Mildred would ask for a cat and they had hitched a ride.

The cat sniffed the air and realized it was free of the small creatures. It immediately bolted over the nearest hillock, never to be seen again.

"How odd," Merlin said as he watched the cat run away.

"It hates crowds," Tiffany explained.

"And the blue . . . whatever it was?"

"It t'wer nothin'," a wee voice cried.

Everyone looked around for the voice while Tiffany tried to think of an excuse. "SHUT UP," she shouted at the MacFeegles, then quickly added, "cat."

"That was your cat?" Hermione asked.

"It's a magic cat," Tiffany said hurriedly. "It will be there if I need it."

Hermione hid her worry. If Tiffany Aching had a magical cat to help her, she had a greater advantage than a fast broom. To hid her reaction she pointed out that Tiffany did not have a hat.

"The sky is her hat," Mildred said thoughtfully. "Mistress Weatherwax told me that while I was making the tea. The sky is her hat and her cloak is the wind."

Hermione was left out as the other two witches shared a smile.

Merlin turned to Tiffany. "And your boon, young lady?"

Tiffany thought for a moment. She could ask for pictsies but then she would be forced to reveal them. And they had made an effort, amazingly successful, to keep themselves secret. She could ask for help but . . . what kind of help.

"It's all headology," Tiffany said to herself. Granny Weatherwax told her that. It wasn't what was going on, it was what people thought was going on. And she knew something was going on with this contest. The gods were watching, but they weren't paying attention. How else could the MacFeegles get away with smuggling themselves to this world? And how did they know about this world. Who was this wizard they talked to?

"Tiffany?" Merlin reminded her.

Tiffany gave him a simple, little-girl smile. She would ask for something simple. Something to keep the pictsies occupied while she took part in this contest. When her stomach gave a low growl, she decided to ask for something else also.

"Well, I live on a farm, and I make cheese. Could I have some cheese? And a bottle of whiskey . . . for my cat."

"Oh, ye bonny hag," Rob Anybody said lovingly from his hiding place.

"Make that two bottles."

Merlin looked surprised, but shrugged his shoulders. Two bottles of whiskey appeared in front of Tiffany along with a brick of cheese from the barn.

Hermione almost laughed as a wheel of cheddar cheese appeared in front of her along with two bottles of Ogden's Fire Whiskey.

Mildred let out a snicker when she looked down. It was a wedge of Gouda with two bottles of whiskey from the local distillery. "Whatever are we going to do with all of this cheese."

"I was thinking of lunch," Tiffany suggested. "Hermione, you could ask for bread."

"That will be my treat," Merlin said as he waved his hand. Several loaves of bread appeared, as well as a large table to eat at. He waved his hand again and the cheeses and whiskey flew to the table as well.

"Excuse me," Odin pointed out. "We still have one boon to grant. Hermione?"

"A friend," Hermione said without hesitation. "A close male companion. Preferably one who is wearing glasses."

"You've been thinking about this?" Tiffany asked and Hermione nodded.

"Can we do that?" Odin asked looking at the figures in the clouds. "Can we?"

"I don't think they're paying attention," Tiffany pointed out. Something about the way she said that caught Hermione's attention. Looking at the clouds, she realized that the young girl was correct.

"Isn't that odd," Hermione said softly, so that only the other two witches could hear.

"Very," Tiffany replied in the same low voice.

Mildred looked surprised but she noticed the serious tones. Then she understood what they meant. Merlin had told her the gods were having this contest for their own entertainment. But not one of these gods was paying attention to what was going on. The other two witches had already realized there was something more to this contest than they were told. But what?

While the girls were whispering to each other, Odin managed to get the attention of Zeus.

"Ah," Zeus said. "The next contest. Finding a hidden object."

"Not quite yet," Odin corrected. "Hermione Granger's request is to have a friend help her."

"Go ahead," Zeus said with a slightly bored tone. "Then get on with it."

Odin nodded. The boy looked up at Hermione and smiled. "I could have wagered you'd ask for Harry Potter. I like the way you added the point about wearing glasses."

"YOU CAN'T FORCE . . ." Harry was shouting as he suddenly appeared. He looked up and saw Hermione, giving her a weak smile. "I was talking to Uncle Vernon."

"Harry, I'm sorry to drag you away like this but I might need your help."

"If it means not being with the Dursleys, I'll do anything for you." They shared a grin. "Now you have to tell me who everyone is and how you managed to get me here."

"It's a long story," Odin said as he interrupted the two friends.

"Harry," Hermione said with a smile, "This is Odin. He's the ruling god of Norse mythology. That's Merlin the Magician, and the skeleton is Death."

"And why am I not surprised by any of this?"

"A gift from the gods. They don't want anyone going barmy on them."

IF WE BRING THE OTHER TWO COMPANIONS, Death pointed out, WE ONLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING ONCE. IT WILL SAVE TIME.

"Agreed," Merlin added, then turned to Mildred. "Will I perchance meet my namesake?"

Mildred nodded. "He even wears glasses."

Merlin Langspear appeared at that moment. He was the same age and height as Mildred and he did have glasses, similar in shape to Harry Potter's. But he had brown hair to Harry's black. Like Harry, he was dressed in jeans and a shirt but he was also holding a staff.

"Millie?" he said in wonder.

"Explanations will come shortly," the adult Merlin said. "We have one more guest to arrive."

Tiffany Aching understood. She did have a close male companion, although close was not a term either of them would use. The Duke's son was the only boy, except for her baby brother, she had ever associated with. He would be little more use to her than the cat was. On the other hand, he wouldn't run away. She held her breath as the boon was granted for her.

The boy appeared. He was Tiffany's age and height with a mop of sandy-coloured hair on his head. Like the other two boys, he was dressed in jeans and a shirt. He was also wearing glasses. And he was holding a strange box with a strap.

"Now for lunch and the explanation," Odin noted.

"Then," Tiffany whispered to the boy, "you will tell me exactly who you are."


	7. Joe 90

A/N: A quick response to HLB concerning Walter. Walter only wears glasses when he's pretending to be Harry Potter. He had blond hair until he discovered that shoe polish makes an excellent hair dye. He is now checkerboard. (Or should that be chessboard?)

Chapter Seven: Joe 90

It was a small figure, clad in black, with a black hood and face mask and fine black gloves. The only thing that was not black were the glasses, almost like a pair of sports sun glasses but with clear lenses. The figure walked carefully through the mansion holding a small penlight which would only shine on one small spot at a time.

Carefully, and professionally, the figure approached a painting. And smiled. The safe was hidden in the most obvious spot. But the figure was careful. He reached into his belt pouch and drew out a rod that unfolded like an old wooden ruler. It had protrusions on either side, no more than two inches wide on alternating sides and six inches apart. The rod extended to five feet.

Anyone at a circus would have marveled at what the figure did next. Although little more than four feet tall, he climbed the ladder, for that is what the expandable rod was. Through careful balance, he now stood above the painting. And he smiled when he saw the touch sensitive alarm.

Seconds later, the proper tools were out and the alarm was being dismantled. Having removed the external alarm, the figure produced a thin wafer of aluminum. Before swinging open the portrait to reveal the safe behind it, he slid the wafer into the space between the picture and the wall. He ran the wafer around the edge of the frame, noting two points where the wafer met resistance. Then he smiled to himself. The external alarm was to fool a thief into thinking he had successfully disarmed it. Inside were two pressure alarms set to go off unless they were deactivated first.

A hand went into the pouch and came out with another wafer and a roll of duct tape. Carefully, two strips of duct tape were pealed off and the role put away. Each wafer was half slide under the frame to hold down a pressure point. Then tape was placed over the other half to hold it in place.

With a aura of nonchalance, the portrait was swung on its hinges, the two strips of tape holding the wafers over the two release switches, so that they would not register the alarm. The figure smiled. A hand was put in the pouch and a stethoscope produced. Discovering the combination of the lock of the wall safe would take less than two minutes.

The safe was opened to reveal three shelves. One had a box of jewels. The second held money, a large number of large denomination bills. The third contained a ledger. As the thief grabbed the ledger, he also reached onto his belt for the miniature camera. Pausing only to make sure he had made no disturbances, he moved to a table and opened the ledger to the first page.

Ten minutes later, all the pages were photographed, the thief was back on his ladder and the ledger back in the safe. The safe was closed and the combination dial returned to its original position. The painting returned to its original position. Carefully, the duct tape was pealed away from each wafer and each wafer carefully removed. Lastly, the external alarm was reassembled.

Two minutes later, the figure left by the same window he had entered. Ten minutes later, he was in a car being driven away at high speed.

"How did it go, Joe 90?" the driver asked.

"It was a piece of cake, Uncle Sam." The figure removed his glasses and then the black mask, revealing the face of a sandy-haired boy only a month past his tenth birthday. The boy passed the camera to the driver, Sam Loover. "W.I.N.'s most special agent came through again. Thanks to the brain patterns of Jean Pierre Gaston."

Sam Loover smiled. As assistant to the director of the London office of the World Intelligence Network he had every reason to smile. "Well, Joe, Monsieur Gaston doesn't need his safe-cracking skills in prison."

"Uncle Sam. When I was using his brain patterns, knowing everything that he knows, it was easy to find the safe. It was like a game. I even felt a rush when I finally opened it. I just hope the information is worthwhile."

"It is Joe. Travis Matthews knows every member of organized crime in the South of England. What this camera contains is his life insurance policy. All those little bits of information that would convict anyone who tried to get rid of him. Now we can get rid of all of them, and make the world that much safer."

Joe sighed happily. Gaston might enjoy robbing safes, but this ten-year-old enjoyed helping to stop people like him. "Uncle Sam, Dad's going to be made when I get home. It's already past my bedtime."

"School's out for the summer, Joe 90. I think he'll forgive you this time."

* * *

To all appearances, the two men were sitting in the living room of a small English cottage. And it was a very comfortable cottage, just big enough for a father and son.

Doctor Ian McClaine stared at his friend for quite a while before answering.

"Sam, we've always said that BIG RAT was WIN's most closely guarded secret. Why is the World Intelligence Network revealing our secret to this man, whatever-his-name-was?"

"He says his name is Doctor Leo Key. And we aren't revealing anything, Mac. This man contacted us. He already knew about BIG RAT. And he even hinted at the existence of SMALL RAT as well. While he didn't make any specific threats, he suggested we meet for a talk."

The doctor was amazed. "And you are sure there were no leaks?"

Sam stood up from the chair he was sitting in and walked to look out the front window. "Not at our end. That much is certain."

Ian stood up in abrupt anger. "Sam, You aren't accusing me . . ."

"Not you, Mac. We have every confidence in you. But . . ." Sam nodded his head toward the outside, indicating Joe 90, who was walking down the lane. The boy was the Doctor's adopted son, returning from football practice.

"Joe wouldn't reveal BIG RAT. He knows it's too important."

Sam tried to look sympathetic. "Joe is the only one we haven't cleared. You know there are people out there that know you work with us. There could be any number of spies trying to get any kind of clue. Joe could have said something, in passing, which meant nothing to anyone, except the spy. Mac, I'm sorry but that's what the chief thinks. There's no other way this man could have found out."

Doctor McClaine looked at his longtime friend. "I don't believe it. And neither do you. Joe knows this is too important. He would never slip. Not after all this time."

"DAD," A cheerful voice called out as the front door opened. The young boy spotted the other man and called out with equal cheer, "UNCLE SAM! I saw your car. It's great to see you." He turned back to the door, carefully closing it, then turned around. "Do you have another mission for me, already?"

Mac whispered to Sam. "Did you notice? He made it a point to close the door first, even though he knew no one else was around."

"I noticed," Sam muttered, then turned to the boy with a smile. "Not yet, Joe. Things are slow and it's been a while since I've made a social call. How was your day?"

Joe grinned broadly. "I made keeper for the team. At practice I blocked every shot. The football never made it into the net."

"That's super, Joe. Congratulations."

"Thanks, Uncle Sam. Will you be staying for dinner?"

Mac patted Sam's shoulder. "Why not. We can discuss things while we eat."

Sam nodded. "I wasn't planning on it, but sure. Let me call the chief first. To let him know I'll be back late."

* * *

Joe looked up in surprise as his uncle.

"And you thought I would tell anyone?"

Sam smiled back. "It would have explained things. The chief's making arrangements with Doctor Key right now." He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe he'll tell us how he found out about BIG RAT."

Mac gave his son a whimsical look. "Sam, maybe Joe would like to show you our success with SMALL RAT. Then we can have dessert." He smiled when Joe's face broke out in another wide grin. "Whose pattern shall I try first?"

As the three arose and walked to the secret elevator that led to the underground laboratory, Sam had to ask. "Mac, I know that BIG RAT stands for Brain Impulse Galvoniscope, Record And Transfer. But what does SMALL RAT stand for?"

Mac chuckled. "The Record And Transfer part is still the same, Sam, but we did have to manipulate the wording a bit to make this rat small. Joe, would you like to tell him."

"It's easy. Synergistic Manipulative ALgorithmic Locution."

Sam laughed. "And what does all that mean?"

Joe laughed with him. "Ask Dad. He's the scientist. I'm only good as goal tender and secret agent."

"Well, Sam . . ." Mac began.

"Don't bother. I won't understand it even if you do explain. ("We both know that's a lie," Ian said.) Just show me what it does."

They stepped out of the elevator into the main lab. Along one wall was the control booth. On the far side was the BIG RAT.

"And where is the SMALL RAT," Sam asked.

"Here," Joe said as he pointed to a work table. On the table sat a small box about the size of a schoolboy's bookbag. It was black and even had a strap to make the resemblance more striking. Had the case been closed, Sam would have assumed that was what it was. He was amazed at what he was looking at.

"And that does the same thing as," he waved his hand at the huge machine on the far wall, "as all of that?"

"And more, if you can believe it," Mac told him. "We don't even need the BIG RAT to record brain patterns." He opened the bookbag to reveal three compartments. The smallest one held a pair of glasses. The second held two dozen thin slivers of metal, each with a diode attached at one end. Each sliver was a little less than four centimeters long. The third and largest compartment held a machine that resembled a hand-held radio. The machine also had a collapsible directional antenna attached to it. Sam whistled appreciatively.

"Mac, you've clearly outdone yourself."

"The wonder of microprocessors. Once the technology goes public, you'll be able to build a computer that can sit on your desk." Ian McClaine let his pride show. "In fact, that's what I've done. That little radio is a specialized computer designed to record any brain pattern onto a data shim. Show him, Joe."

Joe nodded and picked up the pair of glasses. He took the first pair of data shims and inserted one on each arm of the glasses. He then put the glasses on. As he did so, his youthful manner changed and he took on a more serious and knowing look. There was still a boyish glint in his eye as he looked at Sam.

"As you know, Uncle Sam, with BIG RAT it would often take as much as an hour to set up a recorded brain pattern transfer. With SMALL RAT, the technology has been advanced so that a brain pattern can be induced simply by making contact with the dual electrodes within the framework of the eyeglasses."

Sam chuckled. "He definitely has your brain pattern, Mac. So tell me, Joe. If I put on the glasses, can I immediately access your father's memories?"

"I'm sorry, Uncle Sam, but each pair of glasses must be specifically oriented to a particular user. If you were to put these glasses on, all you might get would be a mild electrical shock. Because I was used as the experimental subject for BIG RAT, he decided that I should be the one to test the new system."

Sam nodded. "I noticed there were two pairs of slots on your glasses. Does that mean you're still capable of accessing two brain patterns at the same time?"

"I can do everything I could before," Joe pointed out. "Plus I can take readings of brain patterns while I am in the field and use them almost instantly."

Mac saw the look in Sam's eyes and knew where his thoughts were heading. "Why don't we invite Doctor Key to meet us? I am curious what we will find out."

* * *

Joe McClaine eyed carefully the dark-haired man who walked into the cottage with Sam Loover and Shane Weston, chief of operations for the London office of the World Intelligence Network. The first thing he noticed was that the man had an honest face. The second thing he noticed was that the man had an oily voice reminiscent of a politician. He smiled when Shane Weston introduced him to the supposed master spy.

"How are you, Doctor Key?" Joe said as he extended his hand.

"I am doing very well, young man. I hope I don't surprise anyone too much if I ask if you are WIN's special agent in this world?"

Everyone stared.

"What do you mean," Ian McClaine asked, "by the phrase, 'in this world'? Are you claiming to be from a parallel universe?"

"A what?" Shane Weston asked.

"A parallel universe," Leo Key replied. "An alternate dimension. A world similar to but not quite the same as this one. The answer is yes." He looked at Joe. "And from your look, I would guess that my question has the same answer."

"Yes, Sir," Joe answered in surprise. "But how did you know?"

"Deduction. In my world, I was Doctor McClaine's assistant. Not that any of his children as old as you are."

"Children?" Ian McClaine asked.

Doctor Key looked up in apparent surprise, then paused to look around the room. He saw the pictures on the mantlepiece and nodded slowly. "Is Mary . . ."

"My wife died in a car accident four years ago."

"I am sorry, Ian, excuse me, Doctor McClaine. It is one difference between our worlds that I would not have wished for."

Doctor McClaine coughed uncomfortably. "I'm being rude. Won't you take a seat? We can at least relax while we talk."

"Thank you, and I do apologize for making you . . ."

"Please don't apologize. You made your point rather effectively." The doctor made the effort to smile as he led everyone into the den. Once everyone was seated, he added, "Now you have to explain yourself fully."

"I intend to, and more. I did not come here simply to test an experiment. I came to give you a warning." Leo Key raised his hand to quell any immediate questions. "Let me explain a few things to you, first. I was Doctor McClaine's assistant in my world, and as a result I was the test subject, and WIN's most special agent. That is how I know all of you. Except for young Joe, but I think I've explained that part already."

Key took a deep breath. "There are other worlds. And agents from one of them found a means to travel between the dimensions. They use this to steal technology. To put it quite simply, they are pirates. They tried to steal BIG RAT. Doctor McClaine and I successfully destroyed the machine to keep them from getting it." He paused to give a rueful grin. "But we also had what we called SMALL RAT. We had developed microprocessor technology which . . ."

Everyone began to grin at the man causing him to stop in his dissertation.

"Should we tell him, Dad?"

Ian McClaine sighed. "I think you just did, son."

"Sorry."

Leo Key laughed. "And I was going to offer you the tech documents as proof of my good will." He looked suggestively at the hidden panel in the wall. "Is it down there?"

Somehow, that remark lifted the cloud of doubt that everyone had about the man. This man knew so much. He had to be telling the truth. But he had one more surprise for them.

"Before anything else, let me tell you that I did use SMALL RAT. I obtained the brain pattern of one of these agents, but I was spotted before I could escape. I did the second best thing. I used the man's knowledge to operate his machine. I escaped to another world, this world. I also set things so the machine would be destroyed after I arrived. It would prevent them from recalling it, which the brain pattern informed me they could do. But I had to use the self destruct mechanism within SMALL RAT to do this." He leaned forward and looked intently at Doctor McClaine. "Ian, they may not be able to follow me. Then again, they may. That is my warning to you. If they do, they know where to look."

Shane Weston cleared his throat. "Doctor McClaine, has SMALL RAT been tested?"

"It has."

"Can you dismantle BIG RAT without any loss?"

"Once we download the stored brain patterns, the only loss is sentimental, and I can live with that."

"Then that's what we'll do. It may be unnecessary, but we can't afford to take chances. Is SMALL RAT in the lab?"

"It's under my chair," Joe said with a smile. He reached inside the blanket lying underneath the rocker he was sitting in and pulled out the bookbag with its extended antennae.

"You recorded my brain pattern," Doctor Key said with a mirthful grin. "You are a brilliant boy, Joe. Do you have the glasses?"

Joe was grinning at the compliment. "It was Uncle Sam's idea. And I do have the glasses."

"Try them on and let me know if there is anything I should add."

Setting the case on his lap, Joe opened it and pulled the twin shims that held Doctor Key's brain pattern out of the recording device. As he went to pick up the glasses he suddenly noticed a glow in the room. It was then that Doctor Key shouted anxiously, "We have to get out of here. IT'S THEM."

Joe quickly put the shims and glasses away and closed the case. As he stood up, someone grabbed his free hand to rush him out of the house. It was Doctor Key. His father was about to grab hold of him as well when the glow became a blinding flash of light. Joe tripped, his knees hitting the hard ground. He dropped the bookbag as his other hand, no longer being held, kept him from falling over.

"DAD?"

"Don't shout." It was Doctor Key, close by, whispering to him. "I don't know where we are, or if it's safe."

Joe blinked a few times as his eyes began to clear. He was on a hillside, surrounded by trees. Doctor Key was already on his feet, looking around. He saw Joe watching him and helped the boy to his feet. Joe gave a nervous start as the man picked up the bookbag and opened it. He also gave an embarrassed smile when the man said everything looked in order, then closed it and handed it to the boy.

"Where are we?" Joe asked.

"I regret to say that I don't know. I am guessing that those people I tried to warn your father about had something to do with this. I think they were monitoring the house and tried to grab you once you said you had the SMALL RAT." He smiled at Joe. "If it's any consolation, I think my grabbing your hand upset the balance. They suddenly had four times the mass to move. Hopefully, we ended up somewhere they can't find us, but where we can find our way back." He paused as he looked through a gap in the trees and waved Joe to come over.

"Might I suggest you look at this? I've spotted a castle. Can you see it?"

Joe whistled appreciatively. Perhaps a half mile away it stood. "It is a real castle. I can even see the guards. It's like we're in the middle ages. Do you think we went back in time, somehow?"

"I don't know. We need to know where we are without revealing ourselves." He paused. "It's a long shot, Joe, but do you think you can get a brain pattern of one of those guards?"

Joe looked out in the distance. He raised the antennae and tried to focus on one of the castle guards. He shook his head. "They're all moving, Doctor Key. I think the distance would be a problem even if they were standing still."

"They make poorer targets if they keep moving," a voice said from behind them.

Both man and boy turned around. Before them was a young teenage boy with blond hair sitting on a horse. He was watching them warily. He noticed the bookbag with the raised antennae and frowned. His next comment was pure sarcasm. "You wouldn't be powerful wizards by any chance."

Doctor Key looked at Joe and nodded. Joe pressed the button which activated the brain pattern recorder. The Doctor looked back at the boy on horseback and smiled.

"When science becomes advanced, it reaches a stage where it is indistinguishable from magic. I am not a wizard. You would call me a scientist."

The boy smirked. "My mother tells me that a rose by any other name would still have thorns. If science looks like magic then scientist is just a fancy term for wizard. The Baron does not approve of wizards unless they are leaving. Are you leaving?"

Joe gave the boy a smirk of his own. "As soon as we find out where we are. Are we in England by any chance?"

The smirking contest continued. "Which chance do you mean? Slim or none?"

"Then why don't you tell us where we are and save us the trouble." Joe looked down. "It's ready, Doctor," he whispered.

"What are you whispering about?" the boy on the horse asked.

Doctor Key smiled. "My assistant was telling me he can't see you very well, Joe, why don't you put on your glasses."

As the boy watched, Doctor Key took the open bookbag from Joe and held it for him. Joe picked up the pair of glasses and the two shims in the recorder. He placed the shims in their slots on the arms of the glasses, then put the glasses on. His face changed immediately as he suddenly stumbled, keeping his balance with an effort.

"Joe?" the doctor asked in concern.

"I'm . . . I'm fine. It's just a shock."

"What magic is this?" the other boy asked, drawing his sword.

Joe looked up at the boy. "Your name is Roland. You're the Duke's son."

"Then you recognize me."

Joe turned to the doctor. "This land is called the Chalk. And this world is a disc."

The doctor replied in a surprised tone. "Then we are indeed far from home."

"LEAVE THESE LANDS AT ONCE," Roland commanded. "I will tell the guards about you and if they catch you they will burn you." He turned his horse around to be stopped by two men wearing togas. They had identical hats which had wings, as well as bare feet which also had wings. They also stood three feet off the ground.

"Here he is, Hermes."

"No, Mercury, it's that one over there."

"By the gods," Roland uttered in surprise.

"By and by, the gods," Hermes acknowledged. "We need to take one of you to aid Tiffany Aching."

"He looks like the Baron's son," Mercury said.

"But the other one is wearing glasses," Hermes pointed out.

"That's right," Mercury agreed. "Preferably wearing glasses."

This time there was no flash of light as the two messengers of the gods disappeared, along with young Joe McClaine.


	8. Treasure Hunt

Chapter Eight: Treasure Hunt

Tiffany Aching eyed the strange boy carefully as Merlin explained the situation to the new arrivals, and answered their questions over a lunch of bread and cheese. The whiskey had mysteriously disappeared. Tiffany explained that the cat took all the bottles, and apologized, despite Joe McClaine's confused stare. Then the witches were shown their next task. Each would be given a clue about what object they were looking for, then they would have to find it. Each treasure could only be obtained through some form of magic.

Tiffany took the paper which held her clue and glared at the boy next to her. She began walking away, knowing the boy would follow. She stopped and turned once she had reached a line of trees.

"Now, who are you?"

The boy turned the strange box around and opened a panel. Inside Tiffany could see what looked like a miniature shield, something that looked like a small weapon, and a small book. The boy took out the small book and closed the box. He opened it to show the one page inside. It had a picture of him, and a brief description.

"I'm Joe 90, most special agent for the World Intelligence Network."

"I'm very impressed. Does that mean anything?"

"Not here," Joe admitted. "Not now. But that's who I am."

"You're a secret agent?" Mildred Hubble asked as she stepped from behind some trees. "At your age?"

Tiffany stared as Mildred and the boy, Merlin, revealed themselves.

"You followed me?"

"It's my fault," Mildred admitted. "I heard you ask him who he was. I was just curious."

"You mean you were nosy," Tiffany said.

"I'm sorry," Mildred said sadly.

"Why? Witches are supposed to be nosy. It's our job to know other people's business."

"Now don't you feel better, Hermione," Harry Potter was heard to say. He and Hermione Granger stepped out of from behind the trees to join the group. "Hermione was curious about why Mildred was following you."

"You mean she was nosy," Mildred said.

Hermione smiled at the young boy. "So, the question is: Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"That's two questions," Tiffany pointed out.

"I'm impressed," Harry smirked at Hermione. "How does it feel to be corrected?"

"Harry, when I want your help, I'll ask for it."

"You already did."

"Excuse me," Joe said. "Could I answer the question? Then you can explain to me what's going on. If those are real gods then why didn't they know I was the wrong Roland."

Joe quickly explained everything, including the fact that he knew everything that Roland, the Duke's son, knew. He concluded by saying, "They ended up choosing me because I was wearing these glasses."

Tiffany was surprised by the revelation. And intrigued. "Could your machine record the thoughts of those gods?"

Joe shook his head. "The cloud figures? I doubt it. I wouldn't even know how to focus on them."

"It was a good thought," Merlin Langspear acknowledged, "but might I suggest a different course. We've all been hinted to about how the gods aren't paying attention to what's going on, and that they have some secret plan. The clues they gave us could give us an idea of how they think."

Mildred smiled. "That's a wonderful idea." She opened up the piece of paper she was given. "It's a poem, I think. Thunderous waters, slithering danger, caverns end."

"Mine says the same thing," Hermione said, showing Mildred her paper.

"And mine." Tiffany showed them her paper as well. "They want us to hunt the same thing." Tiffany thought briefly. Her first thought told her that she had no idea what the clues meant. Her second thought told her that she had five people she could ask for help. Her third thought said that would be cheating, but that it was not a problem.

The second thought paused. If it was a contest they should play fairly. But it was a contest, the third thought reminded the second thought, that appears to have no purpose. Ah, you've got me there, the second thought admitted and conceded the point. The conflict resolved, Tiffany asked, "Does anyone know what this means?"

"Yeah," Joe admitted. "It's easy. It's a cave filled with snakes that's hidden behind a waterfall. It was in an Indiana Jones movie. The fourth one, I think."

"There were only three," Hermione pointed out.

Joe smiled. "Five, in my world."

"Does your world have DVD's?" Harry asked. "Maybe we could rent them."

"What are DVD's?" Merlin asked.

Tiffany looked at Joe. "I think, Harry Potter, that the answer is no, regardless of what the question means. Anyway, we need to find a waterfall."

"We go upriver," Merlin pointed out, "the land rises so we should find a waterfall fairly quickly."

"Together?" Mildred asked. "Won't THEY notice?"

"We need a plan," Merlin pointed out.

"We all have brooms. Can we all fly?"

Tiffany answered no. It was one of the finer points she still had to learn.

Mildred paused. "Banana broom isn't very good around water, and I left it back at the clearing where we had lunch." She paused. "I can fly if I have to but . . ."

Merlin sighed. "Millie still has a fear of heights. She can fly if she has to." He grabbed her hand and squeezed. "But she doesn't have to. We'll walk with Tiffany and Joe."

"How's this?" Harry offered. "They gave Hermione a Cleansweep Seven. We'll fly ahead to see how far it is. If the river bends, we'll fly overland. One pair can follow that way. The other pair can walk along the river. We all keep our eyes open. Once we find where we're going, we'll try to get to everyone else as soon as we can."

Tiffany smiled. "You'll get there first and let us know what happened. And you get us to cooperate with letting you win this round."

"Except," Hermione interrupted, "we don't want this round to end too quickly. The longer we drag this out, the more time we have to figure out what is going on."

"Do we trust each other?" Tiffany asked.

"Of course we do," Mildred told her. "We're all witches. Except for the boys." She looked at the smirks on the other two girls. "Fine. Then we'll trade partners."

"Mildred," Hermione said in a teasing voice. "You're supposed to be the foolish witch. You're not supposed to come up with such a brilliant idea."

* * *

Tiffany Aching sat behind Harry Potter as he flew into the air on the Cleansweep Seven. He shouted back to her. "I usually fly a Nimbus. It's a much faster broom."

"I like the comfortable ride," Tiffany shouted in return. "Is it a spell?"

"It is. Hang on. I'm going to circle to let them know there is an overland route."

Tiffany looked as Harry banked the broom and saw the mountain range ahead. It was much closer than it should have been but she guessed, correctly, that the gods had something to do with it. As she looked down, Hermione and Merlin waved to them to show they understood. That was when Tiffany realized she had no idea of what happened to the pictsies.

"Rob," she said quietly to herself.

"What?" a wee voice asked from behind her shoulder.

"Just making sure you were there," she told him.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"It sure is lovely up here," she called back, and Harry agreed.

* * *

Hermione smiled as Harry showed them the direction to walk. Merlin nodded to show he understood and they began walking.

"Hermione, I was curious. You said Harry was a friend from school."

"Ever since our first year."

Merlin seemed confused. "Then, if you study together, how can one of you be a witch and the other a wizard?"

Hermione paused. "I'm guessing there's a difference between our worlds. All women are witches and all men are wizards, but the magic is the same. It doesn't matter what school I go to. Because I can do magic, I will always be called a witch. And Harry will always be a wizard."

Merlin nodded. "That is curious. In my world, schools are always for witches or wizards. We learn most of the same spells as far as the basics go, but we have different advanced spells."

"That is strange," Hermione admitted. "At least to me. What are the differences?"

"Well, you've seen Millie's broom. Witches can fly for one thing. It's something most wizards never get the knack of. On the other hand, I'm advanced for my age as a shape shifter."

The two paused as the reached the crest of a hill. The outline of the mountains could be seen ahead of them, no more than two miles away. As they stood there, there was a rustle in the bushes nearby.

"Joe said to expect snakes, Hermione. Here's an excellent chance to show you what I mean."

Merlin held his hands in front of him like he was imitating a rabbit. He disappeared in a flash (much like the flash from a camera). There was another flash, and a mongoose stood where Merlin had been. The mongoose rain into the bushes, and quickly ran out again, followed by Crookshanks. The boy suddenly reappeared wearing a sheepish grin. And the cat gave Hermione a hurt look, as though to ask, 'don't you trust me?' A moment later, the cat disappeared back into the bushes.

* * *

"They gave us the slow route deliberately, because of me," Joe McClaine said casually.

Mildred picked up a rock and threw it into the river, smiled as it skipped. "Not just you. But I don't mind, really. They all know I'm not very good at magic, and you can't do any magic." She sighed. "And this contest is to test our skills." She sighed again. "And Tiffany doesn't really need help, not with her magic cat."

Joe adjusted his glasses in surprise. In his mind, Roland did the same thing. "Tiffany Aching doesn't have a magic cat."

"But it appeared surrounded in a blue mist."

"Blue? That wasn't the cat. That was . . ." Roland's thoughts tapped Joe's mind on the shoulder and showed him a fearful memory. A six-inch tall, blue man in a kilt was staring a monster in the face at close range and telling him that if he ever did that again he would get a "fistful of haed". (The haed, sorry, the head being the hardest part of a pictsie, it is often used instead of a fist, hence the quaint saying.) ". . . probably nothing."

Mildred frowned at the way Joe finished the sentence, then looked around. "Oh, no, I've lost Tabby. I shouldn't have let her walk."

Not too far away, Tabby was sitting and watching intensely as a small blue man covered with leaves chirped at him. "Das righ', ye scunner cat. Cheep. Cheep. Try ta eat the purty birdy hidin' in dese leaves. Cheep. Cheep."

Tabby was intrigued. He swatted at the leaves to reveal a shock of red hair. The cat leaned its head forward until it was nose to nose with the man.

"'at's righ', ya wee kitty. Take a bite, an I'll show ya wha' to no do anymore."

Tabby licked his face.

"Nay, ya fool cat. Bite. Wit' yer teeth."

Tabby licked his face again.

The little man began to laugh.

"Tha' tickles. Stop it." He pushed Tabby's head away.

Tabby began purring. The little man's eyes lit up with delight.

"Ya like tha', eh."

The man would push against Tabby's head one way, then the other, occasionally receiving another lick for his efforts. He was too busy laughing to notice the pair of eyes looking down at him.

"What have you found, Tabby? Joe, look. It's a strange little man."

"I'm no strange," the man said, "I'm daft."

"You can't be daft," Mildred said with a laugh.

"Can an' am. Me name's Daft Wullie. They wouldna' call me that' if I wasn't." Daft Wullie paused. "ACH! I let ya see me. I'm no suppose to do tha'."

Mildred laughed again. "Well, if anyone asks, I'll say I never saw you."

"Ye'd do tha'?" Daft Wullie asked in surprise. "Ye mus' be a fearsome hag ta lie li'e tha'."

"Hag?"

"He means witch," Joe said carefully, then added too carefully, "please don't be offended."

"I'm not offended," Mildred said in surprise. "Willie, how did you know I was a witch?"

"Tha's Daft Wullie, um, Miss Medium-Sized Bigjob Hag, um Ma'am."

Mildred couldn't help but giggle. She understood the reference. Hermione was taller than her and Tiffany was shorter. Hence, she would be medium sized. And she was clearly big compared to Daft Wullie.

"Daft Wullie, that is a mouthful. Why don't you just call me Mildred, or Millie like Merlin does."

"I couldna' do tha'." Tabby nudged him with his head. "Well . . . Mildred." He stared in surprise at what he had done and was still staring when Tabby licked his face again.

"I guess that means we're friends, Daft Wullie," Mildred said, trying not to laugh at the little man's reaction. "And I can see you've already made friends with Tabby." Mildred bit her pigtail as she began to think. "Daft Wullie, would you like to come with us? We're having an adventure."

Daft Wullie nodded in delight. He had made friends with a hag, and with the hag's familiar. That was something no male pictsie had ever done before. This would show everyone, without a shadow of doubt, that Daft Wullie was well and truly Daft.

00000

A/N: just another note to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. Ouatic-7 mentioned having to look up Joe 90, so I thought if anyone else was interested, the web site is with the www in front of it.


	9. The Cave

A/N: My thanks to Suteben and to Ouatic-7 for correcting my spelling. Half is now have, as it should have been. Ouatic-7 also reminded me that URLs do not post, so I noted that the Joe 90 site is You need to add the www on your own. I apologize for the errors. I was hanging out with Daft Wullie too much.

Chapter Nine: The Cave

"We still have some time before the others show up." Harry directed Tiffany toward the path that led behind the waterfall. "Would you like to take a look?"

"And if there are snakes?"

Harry smirked. "I'll ask them to let us pass."

Tiffany arched an eyebrow. "Will they listen?"

"They'll listen. I'm a parselmouth. I can talk to snakes. The question is whether or not they'll say yes."

As the two slowly approached the waterfall, they noticed ripples in the water. Snakes were swimming up to them although the banks of the river were too steep for them to climb out. Harry heard a hiss and pointed to the shadows ahead.

"There's a snake there. It just warned me to go back." His voice changed as he talked to the snake. "_We are on a quest. There is something in the cave that we need."_

_"I am the first guard. You may not pass."_

_"We only want to ask. What is it that you guard?"_

_"I am the first guard. You may not pass."_

"It's no use," Harry told Tiffany. "It keeps saying we can't pass. It won't even acknowledge me."

Tiffany looked up at Harry. "That would ruin the fun. Debating with the snake. Why don't you use your magic and make all the snakes freeze?"

Harry pointed up. Tiffany looked to see snakes in the trees above them. "But snakes can't climb trees. I read that in a book."

Harry nodded. "They're already in the trees. They don't need to climb. If I'm right, the instant any one snake is attacked, they'll all attack us. I'd even wager those snakes in the river can jump out and get us."

"Then we back up," Tiffany said with authority.

"Can't you perform any magic? Hermione said you were supposed to be a powerful witch in your world."

"I could cast a spell," Tiffany admitted, "that would get us safely past the snakes and back out again. But there's only one problem."

Harry's wry grin matched hers. "Let me guess. You haven't learned that spell yet."

"I'll do it," Rob said.

Harry stared. "Tiffany, there is a small blue man with red hair hiding in your hair."

"Rob," Tiffany said with irritation. "You were supposed to be quiet."

"Ach, yeah I was, but the's a ba'tle ta be fough'. Ye'll back me, won' ye, ye bigjob wizard."

"Are you . . ." Harry began to ask.

"They're call pictsies," Tiffany told him. "They are definitely not fairies."

"Definitely," Harry agreed, catching her tone. "Um, why don't we get out from under the trees first and we'll talk about it."

Despite Rob's eagerness, the three backed away from the snakes. Once they were clear, Tiffany asked Rob to get off of her.

"We attack now?" Rob asked hopefully. "I'll call the others."

"Not yet," Tiffany assured him. It was her hope that the rest of the Nac Mac Feegle Clan had consumed enough whiskey that they could not do anything, much less interfere. It was now her fear that they had consumed enough whiskey that they would do anything, especially interfere.

"Good. Tha rest'll 'ave time to get here, then."

Harry hesitated. "Tiffany, he does mean the rest of us. Doesn't he?"

"Um, sure," Tiffany said with a hint of sarcasm. "Harry, I'm going to investigate the cave. Keep a watch on my body."

Harry nodded in surprise. This ten-year-old girl had a lot of tricks up her sleeve. The little man, who disappeared very quickly he noticed. Hermione had told him about the magic cat. And now the girl was going to investigate the cave, but she wasn't taking her body. Then Tiffany said, "see me," and her body became very still, as though she were in a trance.

Tiffany turned around to look at her body. It seemed almost normal. But she noticed that she was dirty. She would have to take care of that when she had the chance. But she doubted she would have the chance. She looked at Harry and smiled. She had obviously made an impression on him, which made her happy. He had already impressed her. Being able to fly a broom so skillfully. Being able to talk to snakes. His self-assuredness, particularly that he would freely admit that he could not do something. As she turned around and began to walk toward the cave she realized she was feeling jealous of Hermione Granger. She took another look back at Harry, then continued toward the cave.

The first thing Tiffany noticed was that the path was clear. Snakes seemed to cover either side of the trail but there were none on the trail itself. The same was true as she entered the cave. She could see inside clearly because sconces set in the wall at regular intervals had all been lit. The snakes, however, ignored her. After all, she wasn't really there. Without effort, she walked to the back of the cave and looked at the prize. Satisfied, she said, "see me not."

Tiffany blinked her eyes and looked at Harry. "I saw the treasure we're supposed to get. It's a statue of a snake."

"It fits. Your friend, Joe, said it was all from a movie. Do you know what movies are?"

"I can guess from what you said. Moving pictures that tell a story. I don't really understand what it's like, but I do understand the point. What do you think we should do?"

Harry smiled. This girl was smart. She knew from his tone that he had a plan. He also knew that the plan would not impress her.

"We wait for Joe to arrive then ask him how the problem was solved in the movie."

Tiffany snorted. "You mean, go for the obvious."

"It should also tell us how the snakes will react. They will attack, but there may be a style to their attack. We should know that before we do anything."

Harry's voice lowered as he said the last line. All too recently he had rushed in before making sure. The results were not what he had wanted.

* * *

Merlin Langspear held Hermione's wand with appreciation. They had talked about how magic was different in their two worlds. For Hermione, you had to be born with magic. For Merlin, anyone could learn magic, but the more active an imagination you had, the better you tended to be at learning the more difficult spells. Merlin waved the wand the way Hermione had shown him.

"Geode Leviosa."

The rock he was pointing at began to float. Merlin glanced at Hermione and gave her a big grin. "You were right, Hermione. I can feel the magic and it's different from my own. We can use each other's form of magic in this world."

Hermione laughed. "Merlin, you were the one who suggested the idea. All I suggested is that we test it. You deserve the credit."

Merlin blushed at the praise. He handed back the wand and took his staff. "We should hurry and tell the others. This is something that could be useful."

The two nodded to each other and began the last leg of their journey.

* * *

"That's odd," Joe McClaine said as they came around the bend of the river.

"What is?" Mildred Hubble asked.

"Up ahead. We can just see the waterfall." Joe saw Mildred's confusion. "Remember what I told you about the movie. This is exactly like the scene I was describing."

"And why is that odd? They probably read our minds or something. They are gods."

"But I wasn't here when they decided this. If what you told me was correct, they didn't even know I would be coming, or even that I came instead of that boy, Roland."

Mildred understood. "They borrowed the idea for this task from a movie in your world. And then you happened to show up." Mildred felt Joe's sense of foreboding. It was one thing to believe something was going on. It was another thing to be given proof.

"We should hurry and tell the others," Mildred said firmly. "It could be important."

* * *

Joe McClaine listened as Hermione and Merlin made their revelation. He smiled as Tiffany took Harry's wand and used it to make a rock levitate. His smile took a wry twist when Hermione handed her wand to him.

"But I can't do magic."

"In your world, Joe. But this world seems to have different rules. You may be able to."

"You'd best take your glasses off, first," Harry recommended. "There's something about magic that . . ." he paused as he understood but finished his sentence anyway, ". . . screws up the workings of muggle devices."

Hermione frowned. "Harry's right. Joe, are your glasses still working."

Joe nodded. "I still have Roland's thoughts in my head." Then he understood as well. "Wait while I change shims. My father would understand why the glasses still work."

Joe took off the glasses, blinking a couple of times. Roland's memories became like a faint dream. He removed the pair of shims from the storage compartment labeled Ian McClaine and inserted them into the glasses. He put the glasses on and blinked. Then he smiled.

"It's obvious," Joe said with a slight smirk. "If magic causes problems with muggle devices, it's most likely because the use of magic results in electromagnetic pulse disruption. The SMALL RAT has an EMP-D built into it, as do the glasses. It's a damper to reduce any sudden electromagnetic surge. Microprocessor technology permits . . ."

"Please stop," Tiffany Aching said. "I can't understand a thing you are saying except that your glasses work because something keeps them from not working."

"Yes. It's the inclusion of the . . ." Joe stopped and smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Dad talks like that all the time."

Merlin grinned at Mildred, then said loudly. "Does anyone, besides Hermione, understand what Joe said?"

After the laughter, Mildred asked Joe. "What other memories do you have?"

"They're brain patterns," Joe corrected. "I also have a demolitions expert, a teacher of Pre-Columbian history of America, a cat burglar, an astronaut, several other specialist in scientific research, a concert pianist, and the boy Roland. I also have two pairs of blank shims as well as the brain pattern of my father's assistant from a parallel universe."

"Nothing on herpetology?"

Joe shook his head. "The closest I have is a marine biologist. But that won't be of much help. On the other hand, this waterfall is exactly as it appears in the movie I saw."

Harry and Tiffany smiled. "Then you know what will happen when the snakes attack."

"They'll only attack when you take the jeweled skull that lies in the cave. Indiana Jones watched them attack the Nazi scientist when he tried to grab it. This part was cool. The scientist picked up the skull and began walking away when the snakes attacked. The instant he dropped the skull, the snakes stopped. Of course he was obviously dead at that point. Indiana Jones got the skull by lassoing it and dragging it out of the cave by the end of a rope."

"That's easy enough to do," Hermione said.

"No, it isn't, Hermione," Harry answered. "Tiffany looked in the cave. It's not a skull. It's a statue of a snake." He cut off Hermione's question by turning to Joe. "Did Indiana Jones have a huge snake hiss at him when he came close to the cave?"

Joe frowned. "There weren't any snakes outside of the cave."

Tiffany pointed to the trees, then into the river. "We have snakes everywhere. I think they'll attack if we get too close. I guess the gods didn't keep to the plot of your movie."

Tiffany and Harry both turned when they heard a voice in Mildred's direction. "Let's attack them firs'. Tha'll show 'em."

"But Daft Wullie," Mildred exclaimed. "There's so many of them. And you're . . ."

"Eager fer a fight," Daft Wullie said. "An if there's so many, I'll call me brothers."

"Daft Wullie," Rob Anybody suddenly yelled from behind Tiffany Aching. "The wee bigjob hag said no' yet. An' we listen to the wee bigjob hag. No' the medium bigjob hag."

"Mildred," Daft Wullie called back, "an' I'm her frien'."

"Ya canno' be frien's wi' a hag, Daft Wullie."

"Ye'r frien's with the wee bigjob hag."

"Aye, but I'm the Big Man."

Tiffany grumbled. "I thought I told you before. I don't like being called a hag."

"Wailie, Wailie, Wailie," Daft Wullie cried. "An' I wen' an insulted two hags. Ohhh. An' I dun it again."

"I'm not insulted," Mildred said. "I think it's kind of cute."

"Ye do?" Daft Wullie asked in surprise. He puffed his chest out. "I kno'. I'll get the statue fer ye. Fer bein' me frien'."

Daft Wullie jumped off of Mildred's shoulder before anyone could stop him and ran down the path. He reached the point where the path curved to go behind the waterfall when the snakes attacked. A large snake, bigger than Mildred, jumped at him with amazing speed and swallowed the pictsie whole. The serpent seemed to smile with success, but the smile seemed to change to a frown of indigestion. Then a look of fury cane over the snake as everyone watched. The snake was trying vainly to keep its mouth shut but it was forced open from the inside. Suddenly, the mouth opened to its full length revealing Daft Wullie, legs perched on the edge of its jaw with his two hands each grasping a fang.

Daft Wullie flipped himself out of the mouth and onto the snake's head and gave it a swift kick. He jumped up while the snake was dazed, and came down on the snake's head with the full force of his own head. A cracking sound was heard, and the snake collapsed. At this point, every snake began to attack the small man. Snakes dropped from the trees, jumped out of the river, crawled out of the cave.

"Quick, lads," Rob Anybody shouted out. "Don' let 'im have all the fun."

More than two hundred redheaded men appeared out of the surrounding grass and gave out a shout. "There can only be One T'ousand." Then they attacked. Snakes were kicked or headbutted. The more fun-loving MacFeegles would each grab a snake by the tail and use them in a pictsie version of a pillow fight. After a few minutes, the smarter snakes tried to flee but to no avail. The only ones to escape where the ones that were thrown away. Assuming they survived. The average pictsie could throw the average snake from half to three-quarters of a mile. As it was, these pictsies had recently drained the contents of six bottles of whiskey and were feeling a bit more than average. Some of the snakes landed as far as a mile away. The only ones that moved after they landed were the ones that bounced.

Merlin looked at Mildred. "Millie, is he really a friend of yours?"

"I met him on the way here. I guess he's a native of this world. Tiffany, I see you made friends with one, too."

"Yes, we did," Harry said quickly. "We met ours when we landed." He paused. "Did they just shout 'you can take our lives but not our trousers'?"

A statue of a snake came flying out of the cave, stopping at Mildred's feet. Daft Wullie peeked out from under it to see if Mildred was happy. Behind him, on the trail, other pictsies were trying to find any other snakes to attack but without success.

"THIS CONTEST IS OVER," a booming voice said from the sky. Zeus and Jove looked down grimly as the judged appeared. Odin looked at the gods and nodded, then turned to face the small crowd.

"So there is a native population on this world," Odin said tonelessly. "The gods," he nodded his head toward the sky, "would like an explanation. They made this world without any intelligent creatures."

I CAN EXPLAIN, Death said. THESE ARE NAC MAC FEEGLES. THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRAVEL BETWEEN PLANES. IT IS A SKILL THEY DEVELOPED WHEN THEY WORKED FOR THE QUEEN OF FAIRY. THEY LIVE ON THE DISC WORLD AND PROBABLY NOTICED THE SUDDEN DEPARTURE OF A WITCH FROM THERE. THEY ARE VERY CURIOUS CREATURES.

Odin nodded. "And their intelligence?"

IS OVERRATED.

"Tha's an insult," a MacFeegle called out.

Death looked him in the eye.

"An' a good one," the MacFeegle said quickly as he backed away.

Nac Mac Feegles are afraid of no one, but they are smart enough not to attack Death. He might throw them out of his kingdom and back to the land of the living. (MacFeegles have the strange philosophy that they have already died and this world, with so many things to fight, and steal, must be paradise.)

(It should also be noted that MacFeegles will steal anything that is not nailed down, and if it is nailed down they will steal the nails as well. But they do have a moral code. They will not steal from a man who has nothing. After all, what would be the point.)

* * *

Mildred suddenly found herself back by the stream with Tiffany and Hermione. A voice from above said, "The next task will be done without interference." She looked down and saw the three judges standing there.

Merlin Ambrosius spoke. "My dears, the gods are upset about the fact that the three of you did not compete in the last contest, but acted together. They have decided to ignore the last test and have set up a more dangerous task for each of you. This task is simple to explain. Each of you will face an enemy that another of you has recently defeated or helped to defeat." He frowned as he concluded, "I wish all of you good luck."


	10. The Last Competition

Chapter Ten: The Last Competition

Everyone started when the three girls disappeared.

"The gods did not like the interference," Odin explained. "The witches will have their next task without any help."

The three judges disappeared.

"We have to do something," Merlin said. "They probably took the girls back to the starting point."

"I have the broom," Harry said. "I can get two of us back there within the hour."

"I still have Hermione's wand," Joe pointed out. He handed the wand to Harry. Then, sitting down on the grass, he opened the case.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"I've been thinking. Something's going on that they're not telling us about. But I think they're trying to give us hints."

"Hints?" Merlin Langspear asked.

"My father is very good at identifying patterns and I have his brain pattern. I also have the brain pattern for Tiffany's friend. The gods are having this contest but it's obvious that not all the gods agree. The biggest clue is this task."

"I don't follow," Merlin admitted.

"I think I do," Harry Potter told Merlin. "They took the idea for this task from Joe's world, and then Joe appeared instead of that boy, Roland. And they couldn't tell the difference between the two of them because Joe had Roland's brain pattern."

Merlin smiled as he adjusted his glasses. "And they chose Joe because of Hermione's specified preference."

"Exactly," Harry answered, adjusting his own glasses as well. "The question is, Joe, how did you get to that world in the first place."

Joe removed his own glasses. Both pairs of shims were removed and placed into their slots in the storage compartment. He then took another pair of shims out and inserted them into the glasses. While he was doing this, he explained himself.

"I didn't notice the pattern at all, but dad did. Remember what I told you earlier, about the trans-dimensional pirates? I think that was all a lie. I think I was deliberately taken to that world specifically to get Roland's brain pattern."

"Someone wanted you to come," Merlin said in awe, "but why you?" He looked at the box and understood. "You have somebody's brain pattern in there."

Joe smiled. "The man claimed to be Dad's assistant in a parallel world. But he made it a point to let me take his pattern first. Then he grabbed me and transported me to the disc world. I think the man was a god, and I think I know which god."

Harry nodded. "And which god do you think this Doctor Key is?"

Joe smiled wryly. "His name is Leo Key. And I couldn't help but notice that he looked like an older version of that god, Odin."

As Joe put on the glasses, Harry and Merlin looked at each other and said the same word. "Loki."

"Good. You finally figured it out," Loki said as he appeared suddenly, still dressed in the suit he was wearing when he kidnaped Joe 90.

Joe was looking at them with fear. "Harry. Merlin. They want every world the same. Every universe to have the same shape and the same rules. And this contest. It doesn't matter who wins. The contest is to prove that one world can be better than another world." He took the glasses off. "The disc worlds will all be turned into globes. Land masses will change instantly. And if you're in the wrong place . . ."

"Millions will die," Merlin Langspear concluded.

"You're thinking small," Loki said with a chuckle. "The universe is vast. There are millions of worlds with people of some sort on them. All of them will be changed. And that will occur in all the universes."

"It doesn't matter," Odin said as he suddenly appeared. "Zeus and Jove have changed the rules. They are having the witches fight each other's last defeated enemy."

"NO," Harry yelled. "That means that Tiffany will be fighting Voldemort. If he doesn't kill her, it's because he's going to kill Mildred Hubble."

Merlin looked around. "The pictsies? They're gone."

"Then there's still hope," Joe said, crossing his fingers.

"No," Odin told them. "The powers that be sent them back to the disc they came from."

"I would say there is more than hope," a new voice said, as Miss Hardbroom suddenly appeared.

"Miss Hardbroom? How?" was all Merlin could say.

"Hermione Granger told me how the gods weren't paying attention. I assumed, correctly it seems, that if they did not see me they would assume that I left when I was supposed to. Now you, Harry Potter, give me Hermione's wand. I'll return it to her. Then we can help Mildred."

"Can she defeat Mildred's enemy quickly enough?" Harry asked.

Miss Hardbroom gave him a smile that reminded Harry of Professor Snape. "It is obvious that you don't know Mildred very well. Merlin will explain it to you while I'm gone."

Miss Hardbroom disappeared.

"An amazing woman," Loki said appreciatively.

"Thank you," Miss Hardbroom's voice said from nowhere.

Loki laughed. "Harry, why don't you have Merlin explain things to you while you fly him back to the starting point." He looked at Joe. "I'm afraid you're not that important anymore. You've already told them what I, as a god, am forbidden to tell. That is all we needed you for." Loki shrugged his shoulders. "Dad, if you need me, I'll be with Thor and Freyja."

"I should be going, too," Odin told them as he faded away. "I need to monitor Hermione Granger."

"This is great," Harry Potter said angrily. "They leave us . . ." Harry grabbed his forehead and crumbled to his knees in pain. "He's here," Harry gasped.

Merlin rushed to Harry's side as the older boy continued to grunt in pain.

"Never . . . this . . . strong."

"A gift from the gods," Joe said wryly. "Loki knows about his scar. Harry always feels pain when Voldemort is near. The gods turned up the volume, so to speak."

Merlin grimaced. Harry Potter was lying still, occasional twitching but otherwise not moving, and he could do nothing to help. "And that guarantees that we can't help Mildred or the others. We can't run fast enough, and only Harry can fly the broom."

"But you're a wizard, too," Joe pointed out.

"A shapeshifter. And I know I can fly his broom. But I don't know how."

"I do," Joe said suddenly, and grabbed SMALL RAT. He raised the antenna and pointed it at Harry. He placed two blank shims in the recording slots and turned the machine on. "I will know how in five minutes."

"What can I do?" Merlin asked, then answered his own question. "I'm a shapeshifter."

Joe noticed a sudden glow and Merlin held his staff out and disappeared to be replaced by a falcon. He smiled out of sheer delight at seeing magic.

"Go ahead if you like. I'll follow with Harry as soon as I can. Which won't be long."

The falcon gave out a cry and flew away. Joe watched him until he was out of sight. He then removed his glasses and took the shims out, replacing them in the holding try. And waited for two more minutes.

Once they were ready, the shims were placed in their slots and Joe put on the glasses. He blinked a couple of time then looked up. With practiced skill he packed SMALL RAT back into its case, throwing the strap over his shoulder.

Walking over to Harry, Joe knelt next to the near comatose boy. He reached and grabbed the wand that was thrust under Harry's belt. "This will help," Joe said lightly as he pointed the wand and shouted, "Petrificus Totallus."

Harry Potter went rigid, frozen into place. Joe sighed. Harry may not be able to move but at least he was no longer in pain as the spell blocked all feeling.

"I have to leave you, Harry. And I KNOW you will understand. I KNOW you would do the same thing. I only wish I could make sure you'd be safe."

"We'll watch tha lad," Daft Wullie said as he popped his head up from behind Harry.

"WE?" Joe asked incredulously. "But Odin said that all of you were sent back home."

"He missed the tay o' us," Rob Anybody said as he appeared next to Daft Wullie. "An' we ken wha' ye did, Wizard. Ye best see them hags is safe."

Joe smiled gratefully. He went to the broom and mounted it, flying after the falcon. You could tell by the way he handled the broom that he was a natural flyer.

"He's gone," Daft Wullie said.

"Then we'll be goin'. We owe it to help the hags."

"And wha' about him."

"Grab his 'ead," Rob Anybody told him. Grabbing his feet, Rob shouted "Let's go."

Running almost as fast as a flying broom, the pictsies and the frozen wizard disappeared into the forest.

* * *

"He is here," Voldemort said. "I can sense him." He turned with a snarl toward Mildred Hubble. "And before I have my fun with you, my little witch, you will tell me everything I want to know. IMPERIOUS."

* * *

Tiffany Aching stared in horror at the monster that stood before her. The monster was shaped like a man but looked more like a dragon. It even had eyes like a dragon would be expected to have. She continued to stare but her horror changed to confusion when the Dragon Lord spoke.

"What just happened? Did you summon me? And who are you?" The Dragon frowned. "Do your parents know you're here, little girl? I don't see any adults around."

"Do you happen to know, um," Tiffany asked apprehensively, "um, Hermione Granger?"

The Dragon Lord looked confused. "No. Should I?"

Tiffany bit her lip. "Mildred Hubble?"

The Dragon Lord smiled. "Mildred? A wonderful child. Are you a friend of hers? Is she in trouble? Is that why you summoned me here?"

The girl hesitated. "Mildred may be in trouble but I wasn't the one who summoned you here." Tiffany introduced herself and explained everything to him, in an abbreviated form.

"You are lucky, Tiffany Aching. Mildred defeated me, yes. Not by her skills in magic but by her honesty and integrity. She made no demands on me but gave back to me what was stolen so long ago, and ASKED for the release of her friends whom I unfairly threatened." The Dragon Lord sniffed the air. "She is near to us. I will go to her and defend her if needs be."

"The gods will be angry if you interfere."

The Dragon Lord sneered. "The gods can destroy me for daring to help a true friend."

Tiffany smiled. "If that is the way you feel, then you'll have to take me with you."

"But you are young, child."

"But my friend may be in danger, and my being there might make a difference."

"Then we shall go," the Dragon Lord commanded and took Tiffany's hand. Their bodies glowed for a second and they were gone.

* * *

"Miss Hardbroom," Hermione said with no hint of surprise.

"I brought you your wand, Miss Granger. I thought you might need it."

Hermione took the wand. "Yes, I can feel it's power. I believe now I can defeat anyone."

Miss Hardbroom stared at Hermione. She then asked, carefully, "The enemy you're supposed to fight. Do you know what it is or where it is?"

"The battle is already over. It was a battle of words. It lasted less than a minute."

Suspicion was evident in the potions teacher's voice. "And you won."

Hermione Granger paused, as though in conversation.

"I would call it a tie. And I know what you're thinking, Miss Hardbroom. I am not possessed. Not really. And I know something else. I know who Mildred Hubble is fighting, I know she is losing and I know where she is. Can you follow me if I apparate?"

Miss Hardbroom's emotions change from suspicion to fear to wonder and now to deep concern. If Mildred were in trouble and needed help . . .

"If I can't follow you, I'll find her myself. Lead on."

* * *

Mildred stood still and answered every question as fully and completely as possible. Voldemort was surprised and amazed at learning of the different forms of magic. As quickly as he learned of them, he knew how to incorporate their capabilities. Had Harry Potter confronted him at that moment, Voldemort would have slain him instantly. Mildred explained about the gods and he knew at once that his sudden skills were their doing. They wanted him to win this contest.

And Voldemort laughed. This girl was so pathetic he could kill her without any problem at all. He raised his wand and called, "Aveda Kedavra."

The Dragon Lord appeared at that moment, directly in front of Mildred Hubble. He unclasped Tiffany's hand and pushed her away the instant before the blinding green flash hit him. The Dragon Lord roared as if in pain and a great fiery flame shot from his mouth directly at the Dark Lord. Voldemort shielded himself at once.

"Attack again and you will die," the Dragon Lord threatened. Voldemort sneered and then laughed as he looked around him. "Hello, Miss Granger, how nice of you to appear. When did you manage to learn an invisibility spell?" He turned to the woman who had also appeared. "And you must be Miss Hardbroom. Mildred is very much afraid of you, except I think that now she is more afraid of me. Or she would be if I let her." He turned to Tiffany. "And you are the little witch from the flat world. What an interesting character you must be. I think I'll save you for last. No, I'll save Harry Potter for last. I know he's here and he can't get away. The gods have assured me of that. You will have to be next to last."

Tiffany looked at Hermione, who winked at her. The young girl suddenly understood. As the Dragon Lord threatened Voldemort should the man drop his shielding spell, Tiffany tested her plan. If she was right, they had a chance to stop this man.

Voldemort was saying he did not have to drop his shield. Then, he chanted a spell in the manner of Mildred Hubble. The Dragon Lord staggered as though from a heavy blow. Voldemort was clearly surprised that the monster was still standing but was satisfied to learn that the creature had its limitations. He frowned briefly as Miss Hardbroom started casting spells of her own in an effort to break his shield, but the gods had made him too strong.

That was when Tiffany Aching whispered a little too loud to Hermione Granger that the Dragon Lord could withstand any blow as long as . . . Tiffany paused. "I don't think he knows about the 'see me' spell."

"You foolish girls," Voldemort said with disdain. He launched another blow at the Dragon Lord, who staggered and fell to one knee. "The gods are kind to me. Having told me of the spell, I know it and know how to use it."

Hermione smiled.

A falcon landed by Mildred, glowed briefly, and became Merlin Langspear. At once he raised his staff and began to chant a spell at Voldemort. He knew it would not be effective but it would be an added distraction.

The Dark Lord sneered. The added attack did nothing to hurt him. He did not even need to strengthen his shield. He raised his hand to Merlin and began a chant of his own when he heard a shout from above.

"Impedimentia," Joe 90 shouted from the broom he was flying, Harry's wand pointed directly at Voldemort. But the Dark Lord was not fazed. He recognized Harry's wand and knew what effect it would have, but he did not know the skill of the wizardling attacking him. The shielding spell cast by the wand was dispelled at once, and a new protective spell, cast by the magic of Mildred Hubble's world, took its place.

Hermione looked at Joe and determined what he had done, guessing correctly that Voldemort's appearance had affected her friend. And it gave her the opening she was looking for. "Tiffany," she whispered anxiously, still watching Joe, "If he finds Harry . . ."

"He can hear us," Tiffany warned Hermione, giving her a smile that Voldemort could not see. The Dark Lord took the bait.

Knowing his spells would hold, the Dark Lord cast himself out of his body, much more easily than Tiffany Aching could ever have done, using his sense of Harry Potter to locate him quickly. He smiled when he saw that Harry was coming toward him, helpless, as he was carried by two very strong, very fast and very ugly fairies. He went back to his body to await the newest arrival.

"Sorry, it's occupied," Voldemort said to the invisible spirit next to him. "Oh yes, Finite Incantatum." Voldemort turned back to the invisible spirit. "You can stay with me if you want. Now that I can apparate, I'm going back where I came from."

The spirit of Voldemort gave a scream that made no sound and disappeared along with his body.

Everyone turned to Mildred first. Hermione was on one side and Tiffany had rushed to her other side.

"Thank you," Mildred said gratefully. "It was horrible. I felt so nice that I told that man anything he wanted to know." Mildred began to cry. "And I couldn't stop myself."

"It wasn't your fault," Hermione assured her while giving her a hug. "It was the Imperious Curse. Better people than you or I have been its victim. But it's over now."

"And happily so," Tiffany said as she caressed Mildred's shoulder.

"And now one of you girls will explain how," Miss Hardbroom insisted.

Hermione smiled. "I'm sorry, Miss Hardbroom, but I couldn't tell you before. It said it was a Hiver. It could possess bodies and use them to their full potential. It also said it owed Tiffany a favor. I suggested one."

Miss Hardbroom nodded, then turned to Tiffany. "And what was this favor?"

"I showed the Hiver how it could die. They're immortal and . . . it hurts them."

The Dragon Lord, all this time, had been resting on one knee as he recovered. Having caught Mildred's eye, he stood up to greet her, but groaned. "Excuse me for complaining but my chest and shoulders are aching."

Tiffany couldn't help but smile as she remembered her father's favorite joke. "I've been Aching all my life and it hasn't bothered me."

The Dragon Lord gave another groan, then turned back to Mildred and smiled. "You've won out again, Mildred. Congratulations."

"Won? But I didn't do anything."

"Didn't you? You made such true friends in so short a time that they risked angering the gods to come to your help."

"Even if some of us were late," Merlin Langspear said as he pointed.

"Ach, Crivens. We missed it." Rob Anybody let his disappointment show as he and Daft Wullie came over the hill carrying Harry Potter.

"He knew you were coming and panicked," Joe told the pictsies. "That means you still helped." He pointed the wand at Harry. "Finite Incantatum."

Tiffany gave Joe a curious look, noting that he had his glasses on. Joe smiled back, then flew down to Harry and returned the wand. Tiffany gave Joe a grateful smile. "The Nac Mac Feegles are congratulating themselves. Joe, this is a friend of Mildred . . ." She stopped. The Dragon Lord was gone.

"ENOUGH," Zeus was heard to shout. "ALL OF YOU. APPEAR."


	11. We Have A Winner

Chapter Eleven: We Have A Winner

The group, except for Miss Hardbroom, turned in surprise when Esme Weatherwax and Albus Dumbledore suddenly appeared.

"You were right, Esme. The gods can notice us if they want to."

"Anyone can, Albus. Most people don't want to." She snorted. "I like the way you made me sound like a clever little schoolgirl."

Albus chuckled. "I've been a teacher most of my life, my dear. It has become a habit."

"IT IS DONE."

Everyone looked up. Zeus and Jove were smiling. A rumbling noise was heard coming from the direction of the river. Joe, being on the broom, looked out over the low hills. Joe looked down when someone asked what it was. "You have to see this."

The MacFeegles quickly ran up the hill and began shouting in dismay. One by one, the others came up to look. It was Joe who spoke again.

"Hermione, do you recognize it? You and Harry saw that movie together."

"Miss Granger," Dumbledore asked in a conversational voice, "Do you know what that monstrosity is?"

Hermione nodded. "It's called a Balrog. It's a fire daemon. A very powerful one."

"You forgot to mention," Tiffany Aching pointed out, "that it's coming directly for us."

"Professor?" Hermione asked.

"Granny?" Tiffany asked.

"Don't bother asking," Miss Hardbroom told Mildred. "I have no idea what to do."

"Fire and water," Harry commented.

"Can any of you force it into the river?" Joe McClaine asked.

Granny Weatherwax spoke in a clear voice that immediately made everyone fall silent. "We'd be better off filling a bucket of water and throwing it at the creature." She looked directly at Mildred. "Wouldn't we, Mildred Hubble?"

"But, I . . ."

"That's it," Hermione said as she understood. "Remember what happened, Mildred when you tried to fill the bucket with water? Take my wand. It will make your spell stronger."

Mildred realized what Hermione meant. "I can do this."

"Do you remember how?" Miss Hardbroom asked.

Granny answered. "She remembers every mistake she ever made."

Miss Hardbroom nodded. "All right, Mildred. But please remember to do it properly this time. And use every word of power you know. And don't make up any words this time."

Mildred turned at the harsh words but saw her teacher smiling at her. With a rush of confidence, she smiled back and turned to face the oncoming monster. As a bonus, Merlin added, "Millie, show them what a real witch can do."

"Actus Flamous, Zipilong Zanzibar, Avituar Flovious, AQUA BALROG."

There was a moment of silence as a hush fell over the entire scene. Even the gods paused, watching intently as the waters of the river began to rise until it looked as though the river was flowing a hundred yards in the air. As everyone watched, including the amazed Balrog, the waters began to draw together in an unbelievably large ball, directly over the Balrog.

"That is a great amount of water," Albus said.

"You were great, Millie," Merlin shouted.

"Mildred Hubble," Hermione Granger said happily. "YOU are the best witch in my book."

"This is amazing," Joe said appreciatively

"It's going to be coming down soon," Granny Weatherwax noted.

"You cast that spell perfectly," Tiffany Aching told Mildred.

"You made up most of those words," Miss Hardbroom pointed out.

"The monster is done for," Harry Potter noted

"It's going to make a very big splash," Dumbledore said with a certain concern.

Granny Weatherwax nodded. "You are a master of understatement, Albus?"

"Thank you, Esme, but I would suggest that those of us who can, run as quickly as possible."

"We can't all run fast enough," Merlin pointed out in sudden panic.

"We can," Rob Anybody shouted as several hundred pictsies suddenly appeared. "Which of ye wan' a ride?"

"How?" Hermione asked.

Tiffany smiled. "They had to travel between worlds when they worked for the Queen of Fairy. If they've been there, they can always get back."

The next second, both witches felt themselves being lifted off their feet.

* * *

The race was on. Joe McClaine, being on the broom, was the only one to watch what happened, and made it a point to fly as high as possible first. The water fell on the Balrog with catastrophic results. Especially for the Balrog. But the first thing the boy noticed was the great ball of steam that began to rise.

He did not bother watching after that. On the ground they were racing away from the giant wave of water that formed. In the air, it was a race against an expanding cloud of burning steam.

The pictsies were true to their word and carried everyone, including three cats, (one of which was extremely uncooperative) away from the advancing wall of water. They finally stopped when they reached the crest of a familiar hill, at least familiar to Hermione. On the other side was the glade where she first appeared and the copse of trees where she first met Odin. Behind them, the waters had finally subsided after washing over too many hills.

Walking up the hill to greet them were Thor and Freyja, as well as a strange man in a suit and tie. Joe landed the broom and began the introductions. Three witches listened intently.

"Hermione, Tiffany, Mildred. This is Loki. He told us that the gods are forbidden to tell us what's going on but he did let me make a copy of his brain pattern." He paused to catch his breath then rushed back into his speech. "The gods, by majority vote, want to make all the worlds the same. Same shape, same land masses and, depending on if they survive, the same kind of people. The problem is they need a clear and obvious winner to this contest in order to go ahead with their plans. They have to prove that one world is 'better' than another."

Tiffany frowned. "And then they'll choose the 'best' world to copy."

* * *

Mildred looked up as Joe began his explanation. There was a new boy standing next to her.

"Hi. I'm Thor. That was a pretty neat spell you cast."

"Thank you," Mildred said politely as Thor took her hand into his. "I'm glad you liked it."

"I was wondering," Thor asked. "I know I'm a god and you're a witch, but, um, are you dating or anything?"

Mildred giggled in surprise, then turned as Merlin grabbed her other hand in his.

"I happen to be a 'close male companion', if that's what you mean by anything."

Thor smiled rakishly. "Is that true, Mildred? Are the two of you 'close'?"

Mildred pulled both hands free and put them to her face as she blushed. "We're not like that," She insisted nervously. "I mean, well we like each other, but not like that, I mean . . ."

"I understand," Thor told her. "Good luck to the two of you. Do you know if Hermione is going with anyone?" He grinned and walked over to Freyja

"Are you happy, sister? I did as you asked and now those two will blush every time they look at each other. Is that what you really wanted?"

Freyja smiled. "Of course it is, brother. These two are alike in this one thing. Now they know how each other feels instead of spending years wondering. They will wed that much sooner and have more children as a result. I am the goddess of fertility, you know. You should expect these things from me."

Thor caught Merlin's eye and made a kissing motion while he nodded his head in Mildred's direction. He and Freyja laughed as Merlin turned red as a beet. They looked down to see Tiffany glaring at them.

"Don't worry," Freyja told the girl. "You'll do whatever you want, anyway. It wouldn't do to tell you anything."

"Good," Tiffany said in a menacing voice to hide her relief. The last thing she wanted was another god interfering with her life.

"Sister," Thor said as Tiffany walked away. "I know that look. What do you have planned?"

Freyja smiled. "When this is over, Joe McClaine will have to explain himself to the Duke's son. I'll suggest if he gets the chance to mention the witch. That should be enough."

Thor nodded in appreciation. "And the third witch?"

"Her mind is made up already, but some things cannot be hurried."

* * *

"WE HAVE A WINNER."

The gods were smiling as they looked down on the crowd of people, pictsies and gods. Zeus and Jove grinned even wider as both gazed directly at Mildred Hubble. Zeus was almost laughing as he spoke.

"Congratulations, child. You have won our contest and proved our point to the committee that one world can be better than another. And before we transform the multiverse, you are permitted to ask us three questions."

Everyone shared the same feeling of dread when they heard those words. Even Thor and Freyja. The one odd exception was Mildred. Instead she looked happy at winning the contest. With an innocent smile she asked her first question.

"Is it true what they said? That you're going to make all the worlds alike."

"It is, child. Of all the possible worlds, we have chosen the best and we will make each universe match the one with that world." Jove paused in his answer. "Doesn't that worry you? It seems to bother your companions?"

"Oh, no, Mister Jove, Sir. It sounds wonderful. I've been trying to understand two other worlds and that was confusing enough."

"An enlightened child," Jove said to Zeus, who nodded in return. "And your second question, my dear."

Mildred still had her innocent smile as she asked the next question.

"Is it one of your worlds by any chance? I mean, you two seem to be the most powerful gods, I thought, well, you know, if I would have to wear a toga or something."

The two gods laughed with delight. The girl was worried about how she would have to dress. Jove smiled expansively.

"If you like, we could make an exception for you, although I think you would look rather nice in a toga."

"Oh, please don't make an exception for me, Sir. It just that all my clothes are black or grey or both. It would be wonderful being able to wear something light and airy, especially when it's hot outside."

"And your last question?" Zeus asked.

Mildred laughed ingenuously. "I was just curious. Which one of you is going to change his name?"

The smiles on the twin gods froze in place.

"Excuse me," two voices asked.

"Well, if everything is going to be the same, that means the gods are going to be the same, which means that you both have to have the same name. I was wondering which one you'll choose, or if you'll choose another name altogether."

The two gods paused and looked at each other. Mildred simply smiled.

* * *

Odin laughed in delight as he made his appearance moments after Mildred asked her last question. Only now were people beginning to realize what Mildred had done.

"Clever girl," Granny Weatherwax said. "You even told us, Odin, the gods are not very good at the small details."

Loki looked surprised. "Dad, is that why you picked her? That wasn't part of our plan." His look of surprise became one of indignation. "YOU TRICKED ME. You said she was just a filler."

"I know I'm a bit slow here," Merlin Ambrosius said, "but could I get an explanation."

Merlin Langspear walked up next to him. "We'd like one, too."

Joe walked up to Loki. "May I?" Loki nodded and Joe 90 put on his glasses.

"Everyone, the plan was simple. The gods wanted this contest to prove that one world could be considered better than another world. If they did prove this, then the majority agreed to change the multiple universes into identical versions of each other, based on the 'best' world. The contest was set up so that someone had to win."

"The contest was rigged," Hermione Granger noted.

"Not at all, my dear," Albus Dumbledore pointed out. "Many contests are set up with the assurance that one contestant or team will win."

"And it wasn't unfair," Odin stated, "It allowed for the possibility that there could be a tie."

Joe 90 and Loki laughed. Loki nodded that Joe should continue. "It did, but the gods could call for an extra round to break the tie, if the contestants agreed. Of course they didn't tell the contestants the true purpose of the contest. That is why Dad, um sorry, Odin and Loki worked out a plan. I was supposed to reveal the secret of the contest before the task at the cave was concluded. Unfortunately, one of the Nac Mac Feegle took an unexpected liking to Mildred and ended the contest prematurely. Otherwise, Hermione Granger could have won the round, creating a tie, and you would have known to refuse another round."

"Then I'm ta blame?" Daft Wullie asked.

"Yes, you are," Loki said thanklessly.

"And to praise," Odin said before the little red-haired man could react. "I knew that Zeus and Jove would force a win. But I also knew that they had forgotten a few of the small details. And that happens to be my specialty. I remember about the small details. That is why I chose Mildred."

"Deception," Hermione Granger said. "Mildred Hubble, nothing but trouble. Who would ever expect anything from her?"

"And she always comes through," Miss Hardbroom said as she put her hands on the young girl's shoulders. "Although I will need the gods to explain to me how."

"I can do that," Mildred said with a smile. "It was Ethel Hallow. She was teasing me first year when I made a mistake in chanting. She was telling her friend Drusilla how horrible it would be to make a mistake like that. If she did, she would have to call herself Mildred out of shame. And Enid said that would be a shame because if Ethel took my name she might think we were saying good things about HER."

Miss Hardbroom blinked her eyes. "Now, can either of you gods tell me how Mildred came through."

Mildred frowned.

* * *

"If you will forgive the intrusion," Zeus said with a mix of apology and annoyance. "We know that Odin did object to our plans and we do acknowledge that there are a few unforseen details to be worked out before they are put into effect." The clouds around him formed the figure of an angry woman. ("I think that's Hera," Hermione whispered.) The woman said something to Zeus, who nodded. "On behalf of the gods, we would like to thank Mildred Hubble for pointing out one of the small details that slipped our minds." Zeus looked back at Hera who was still glaring at him. "And we would like to give her a gift to show our gratitude."

Hera smiled.

"They're thanking me?" Mildred asked in surprise.

THEY ARE BRIBING YOU, Death replied. THE LAST THING THE GODS WANT IS A TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRL TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE OUTSMARTED THEM.

"It isn't that," Jove said indignantly. "Although we must insist that all of you refrain from discussing this matter once you leave here."

Death looked up at the cloud figures of the gods and smiled. Tiffany Aching noticed that his smile had the same effect on them as it did on her.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THEY WILL BE CIRCUMSPECT IN WHAT THEY SAY. THEY WILL BE TALKING ABOUT GODS, AFTER ALL.

"Your word is good enough for us," Jove said.

Behind him, Zeus could be heard. "We should have picked Morpheus. At least he can smile properly." He realized he had spoken aloud. "Mildred, what would you like? Riches? Fame?" He smiled temptingly. "Divinity? To live with the gods?"

Mildred paused in thought, overwhelmed at the choices offered her. She could even be a goddess. That would make Ethel Hallow turn green with envy. She also noticed all of her friends watching her. And she did consider every person there to be a friend. Even the pictsies. And Mildred thoughts ended on that note. Even the pictsies. Especially one pictsie who even now was playing with Tabby. Any choice she made would mean the end of their friendships, because they would all go back to their own worlds never to be meet again.

"Daft Wullie."

"Aye, Mildred."

"Once I make my decision, we'll go being home."

"Aye," Daft Wullie said happily. Then he saw Mildred's frown. He looked at Tabby and then he also frowned. "Aye." He smiled again. "Ye could come wi' us."

Mildred smiled as an idea made itself known. "Maybe to visit." She looked up at the gods. "Is there a way we could visit each other? All of us. I don't want to lose my friends."

00000

A/N: I want to thank Ouatic-7 for pointing out my spelling error. Phased is now fazed as it should be. I would like to point out that if this were a Star Trek story, I would have been correct. ("I apologize for Mildred," Miss Hardbroom told Captain Kirk. "At the school, they know never to let her around photon torpedoes.)

As an asidum, I know that the Nac Mac Feegle are popular. (Almost every reviewer has said so.) You should check out "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE," by FYRIE. The story number is 2178910 if that is helpful. It is the best Pictsie/Potter story I have found.

Thanks again to everyone who has been reading and especially to the reviewers.


	12. Epilogue

A/N: A final thanks to everyone who has read, and especially to the reviewers. As I noted in the first chapter (with the table of contents) there is one more chapter after this one, even though this is the end of the story. I got the idea from watching too many special features on DVD. I hope you like them. Thank You, again - HiBob

Chapter Twelve: Epilogue

It was the first weekend of the Winter term.

"Third Years," Miss Hardbroom called. "Line Up."

All the brand new third year girls lined up in the courtyard as they were told. All were dressed in their school robes with pointed black hats and black capes.

"Miss Cackle. The students are ready for your inspection."

A small plump woman with gray hair and pointed glasses frowned at the harshness of Miss Hardbroom's voice. "Constance I am right here. You don't have to shout."

"I Wasn't . . ." Miss Hardbroom suddenly stopped her shouting. The giggles from the new third years ended almost as quickly as they began when the Potions teacher glared at them.

"Of course you weren't," Miss Cackle said. "But we still have to wait for two more arrivals."

There was a small flash and Merlin Langspear was there with a short man, as thin as the headmistress was plump.

"There's no need to wait, Miss Cackle. My apprentice and I are here. And we're both eager for the trip. Imagine. A school of magic in an entirely different world. And how do we get there?" Algernon Rowen-Webb turned and deliberately smiled at Mildred, who was holding her cat, Tabby.

Mildred returned the smile. "Shall I set the portal, Miss Cackle?"

"I'd better do it," Miss Hardbroom said as she pointed to the entrance gate. The wooden gate shimmered and a set of wooden doors appeared. She waved her hand and the doors opened, revealing the entrance hall of Hogwarts School of Magic. "All together girls, walk in a straight line. Remember, you represent the finest of Miss Cackle's Academy for Young Witches. I want all of you to behave for the entire weekend. Mildred, will you PLEASE do up your shoelaces."

"Yes, Miss Hardbroom."

* * *

Granny Weatherwax walked into the tavern and went directly to where a grandmotherly old lady was singing a boisterous song while drinking a pint of ale.

"Gwytha, it's time to go, if you don't mind."

Nanny Ogg downed her pint and dropped the mug on the table. "All ready then? Best be going. I have our Tom mindin' the house while we're gone. He'll be lookin' in at your cottage just ta make sure, if we're back late."

Granny opened the door and walked outside to where Tiffany Aching was waiting. Tiffany looked up in apprehension at Nanny Ogg, then at Granny Weatherwax.

"Um, Granny. They came. And there is a problem."

Granny looked over to the bushes. "No one will see us, so come out and show yerselves."

Two dozen pictsies appeared. One of them was female. Granny nodded to herself.

"Yer a new clan, an' yer lookin' for a place to settle."

The kelda looked up at Granny. "Daft Wullie claims he's a friend of a bigjob hag in another world. He suggested we ask her if she has a place."

Granny noted that Daft Wullie was looking cleaner than the last time she saw him. "And you chose him as yer big man?"

The kelda smiled. "He may be daft, but he has the luck. A new clan needs luck more than anything else."

Tiffany Aching noticed Rob Anybody standing near the back of the small crowd. "Rob, why are you with them."

"Ach, I were told to." He whispered needlessly. "She don't want them to settle too close, but she wants to know where they go."

"Everyone. Get close," Granny called out, and the pictsies gathered around the feet of the three women.

"I'll cast the spell," Nanny Ogg said cheerfully.

Granny shook her head. "Best I do it, Gwytha, what with all you've had to drink."

"I'll do the short version," Nanny said. "WE'RE THERE."

"It's dark," Granny said irritably.

"And small, Nanny Ogg added needlessly.

"I think this is a broom closet," Tiffany guessed, and correctly it should be told.

"An' here's the door," Rob Anybody noted. "C'mon lads. We'll give it a push."

* * *

Albus Dumbledore greeted Miss Cackle warmly, welcoming her to Hogwarts school. The tables had been extended so that there would be plenty of room for the guests. And she and Miss Hardbroom would be sitting at the teacher's table.

"Have the other guests arrived?" Miss Cackle asked. "I heard a great deal about them."

"They should be here any time now," Albus told her.

Noise was heard from the broom closet just off the Great Hall.

"Ah, I do believe they have arrived," he said with amusement.

The closet door flew off its hinges, going over the heads of everyone in the entrance hall, landing on the outside lawn after smashing through one of the high windows.

"And they even brought the pictsies with them."

* * *

Joe 90, the Most Special Agent of the World Intelligence Network, was waiting impatiently for his uncle, Sam Loover. His father was smiling with humor as his son fidgeted in the chair.

"Joe, he won't get here any earlier, even if you jump up and down. Remember, he already knows about magic. You've shown us the proof."

"But Dad, I can't help it. It's not about the magic but . . . They're my friends, and . . ."

Ian McClaine smiled in understanding. He felt the same way as Joe, about wishing Sam would hurry up and get here. He also wanted to see the school of magic.

"Joe, while we're waiting, why don't you check to see which weekends you have free. Then you can make plans for future visits. You might even consider inviting some of your friends for your next match."

The father breathed in relief as the son ran to his room to mark his calender. Joe had something to do to keep him busy. Ian still tried to read the paper for another twenty minutes when his friend finally arrived.

"Sorry," Sam apologized. "That paperwork never seems to stop. But I'm free for the rest of the weekend."

"And how did the trial go?"

Sam smiled. "With the judge's last ruling, we had a 100 percent conviction rate against Travis Matthews and his associates." Sam looked around. "Is Joe ready?"

"I'll call him. JOE! SAM'S HERE."

"I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE."

Sam looked surprised. "Well I'll be. I thought he'd be impatient to be off. We ARE going to another universe?"

"We are, Sam" Ian said in a dead pan voice. "But we will be visiting a school. It's just not the same when you look at it that way."

"I'M READY," Joe shouted as he jumped down the stairs, wand in hand. "Can we go now, Dad?"

Joe put on his glasses and waved his wand. He chanted a spell he would not remember once he took the glasses off. The world seemed to shimmer around them and they were at the top of a flight of stone steps looking out over one of the lakes in the Scottish highlands. Behind them, a large wooden door opened, and a brown-haired boy, younger than Joe, looked out.

"I felt you arrive, Joe. We're all in the Great Hall. You have to see this to believe it. Hello, Doctor McClaine, Mister Loover."

"Dad, Uncle Sam, this is Odin, the Norse god of wisdom."

"Then why does he look like a boy?" Sam asked. "No one will take him seriously if he looks like that."

"That's the point," said a black-haired boy, who was ten. "No one expects children to be able to do anything. Right, Joe?"

"Dad, this is Loki. You might remember him. He's the one who kidnaped me. He was older then."

Ian McClaine smiled and shook Loki's hand. "You have a strange way of making friends, young man."

Loki grinned. "But my way is more fun." Instead of letting go, he pulled on the doctor's hand. "Come on, you really want to see the Great Hall. It's fabulous."

* * *

"Look at her, waving her pigtails about " Ethel Hallow pouted. "Everyone thinks she's such a wonderful person, just because she was lucky a few times."

"You don't think too much of her," a blond boy asked as he was passing by. The witches looked mundane, but this one witch had made an interesting comment and Draco Malfoy wanted to know more.

"Mildred Hubble? She's the worst witch in the school. She barely passes any of her classes, and she has no magical background at all. Not like my family. We've been witches for simply ages."

"Well, it shows in the company she keeps. The witch she's standing next to is that goody-goody mudblood, Hermione Granger."

Ethel smiled. "Mudblood? What a perfect word to describe Mildred. I'm Ethel Hallow."

"Draco Malfoy," the blond boy said. "Ethel, would you like to join us at the Slytherin table? Slytherins always appreciate people with a PROPER lineage."

* * *

"And you're a Kelda?" Ron Weasley asked. He and Harry were sitting with Hermione while the kelda and the two dozen pictsies stood on the table.

"I will be," the female pictsie said. "As soon as I can find a place to build my nest. Daft Wullie suggested we ask one of his friends."

"I'm curious," Hermione asked. "Tiffany told me how the clans are set up. But why are you picking Daft Wullie as your Big Man? After all, he is . . ."

"Daft?" The Kelda smiled and glanced over to where her Big Man was playing with Tabby. "He is. But he has a luck about him. He did make friends with a powerful hag. And he had an excellent idea about coming here to ask advice."

"An' he was dropped too many times as a baby," Rob Anybody pointed out.

"I'll be more careful with the children," the Kelda answered. "But, just by looking at his brother, I know he comes from good stock." She smiled as Rob began to blush.

"Do you know where you're going to, um, build your nest?" Harry asked.

The Kelda sighed. "Mildred Hubble asked us to come to her world, but she could not think of a good place to settle. I thought to ask about settling here?"

"You don't want to do that," Ron Weasley quickly said. "The only possible place would be the Forbidden Forest."

"Ferbiddin?" One of the Kelda's brothers asked.

"It's called that because we're forbidden to go there. It's too dangerous."

"Dangerous?" Another brother asked with a sense of hope.

Ron failed to catch the change of tone. "Well, the centaurs aren't dangerous, but they don't like strangers." He gave his voice a sinister tone. "But there are werewolves and giant spiders and all sorts of dangerous creatures in there."

"Really?" the Kelda asked. She looked at her brothers and Daft Wullie's brothers, the start of her new clan. "We could give it a try?"

"Are there many spiders?" a pictsie asked.

"Not really," Harry said carefully. "And they're not all that big."

"What are you talking about?" Ron was incredulous. "There were thousands of them when we were there years ago and there's got to be more of them now. " He turned to the pictsies. "And they're huge. Bigger than you can imagine." Ron held his hands out to give an example.

"Le's check it out," Rob Anybody yelled, and the pictsies suddenly vanished out of the Great Hall.

"I'll tell Wullie," the Kelda said. Excitement was in her voice. She jumped from the table and ran to tell her Big Man.

"Thanks, Ron," Hermione said with a huff.

"What do you mean? Once they see what it's like . . ."

Harry interrupted. "They'll want to settle down. Hermione, tell Ron what Tiffany said to do if your home is infested with pictsies."

"Do you know what you should do, Ron? You should MOVE."

* * *

"Good Afternoon, Madam. Permit me to introduce myself. I am Professor Severus Snape. I understand you are the potions teacher at your school."

"I am," Miss Hardbroom answered. "Were you looking for a potion for that greasy hair of yours?"

* * *

"The wine's nice but not the same as a stiff ale," Nanny Ogg said as she drank the cup. "And you are?"

"Neville Longbottom, Madam," the boy said nervously. Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas watched nervously. Dennis Creevey watched out of curiosity.

"Longbottom? That's a dwarf's name. Ye don't look Dwarfish. Where ye adopted? I met a chap from Ahnk-Morpock once. He was adopted. Biggest dwarf ye ever saw."

"I'm not a dwarf, really."

"Tha's alright, dear. I just came over because I heard you boys singing. I thought I'd join in. What was that song?"

"It's an Irish song," Seamus told her. "The Rocky Road to Dublin."

Nanny Ogg shook her head. "Don't know that one. I do know the hedgehog song."

Seamus said a quick word to Neville and Dean then turned back to Nanny Ogg. "We were wonderin', Madam. Professor Dumbledore says you're from another world. We'd love to hear a song from where you come from."

Nanny Ogg looked pleased but concerned. "I'll be the first to admit I don't have the best voice in the world, and I don't like to sing by myself, unless I've had too many cups."

"You could teach us the words," Neville offered. "We'll sing it together."

Nanny beamed. "A great idea. Now all of you grab a cup to loosen yer gullets and I'll teach ye the first verse."

* * *

"Excuse me for being rude." Ian McClaine was trying to be polite. "I've never talked to an actual ghost before, and I don't think Sam has." Sam Loover nodded his head.

Sir Nicholas nodded. "And I've never talked to someone from another planet before, living or dead."

Sam smiled. "We have you there." He pointed to where Loki was talking to some of the Hogwarts students. "And I don't want to guess how many worlds he's been to."

Sir Nicholas smiled at the remark, then nodded his head in the other direction. "Doctor, is that your boy over there?"

Ian turned. "The young one with the wand. That's Joe. And it seems those older boys are teaching him some magic tricks."

Sir Nicholas nodded again. "Is magic different on your world?"

"Magic isn't real on our world." Ian frowned. No one was capable of performing magic on his world. But there was his son, Joe laughing with delight as he made the tip of his wand light up by his own effort. He looked up as someone joined them.

"Professor Dumbledore."

"Doctor McClaine, I'm hope I'm not interrupting your conversation."

"Not at all. Sir Nicholas was pointing out that my son was learning a new magic spell."

"And that is what I wish to talk to you about. Odin tells me that magic does not exist on your world. Therefore, no one from your world should be able to use magic in our world. Joe shouldn't be able to use a wand."

Sam noted the group where Joe was. "That other world, where the girl Mildred comes from. Joe told me that anyone can learn magic there. I was curious. If we went to her world, could we perform magic?"

Mac nodded his head. "A good point, Sam. Can we interact with other worlds on their terms, or are we forced to live according to the physical laws of our own worlds. I think I know you well enough, Professor, to believe you've already looked into this."

"Indeed I have." Albus pointed out two of the students from Miss Cackle's Academy. "Those two girls can not perform any magic in this world, even though they are good students in their own world. On the other hand, Mildred Hubble, the girl with the pigtails, is capable of using a wand even if she has difficulty controlling her magic."

As if to prove the point, the wand Mildred was using shot a bolt of lightning out of the entrance way which hit and blew apart a suit of armor in the hallway. The sound of metal hitting stone could be heard clearly. Miss Hardbroom quickly ran over and plucked the wand from Mildred's hand and showed her how to do the Lumos spell properly.

Albus looked directly at Mac. "Doctor McClaine, it is obvious that Joe can use magic in this world. And I overheard him, by magical means, telling his friends Harry and Merlin that he has been practicing from the book Hermione Granger managed to send to him."

Mac smirked. "He has. I've even done tests already, to see how far away he has to stay from the house to keep from affecting the household appliances. It seems that the use of magic produces an electromagnetic pulse. If Joe is too close to the toaster, for example, and the toaster is in use, it will burn out at once."

Sam snorted. "Mac had to buy four toasters in one week."

Albus smiled. "Then you see the point I am making."

Mac nodded. "Clearly. It seems that the major difference between our two worlds is the genetic code that permits the use of magic. Our world never developed that gene, or wiped it out at an early stage." He paused and looked thoughtfully at Dumbledore. "I believe the gods altered Joe's DNA so that he has this capability. He's only playing with simple spells right now, but he will want to learn more. And I think it is something he should learn to control, even if he will only use his abilities to visit his friends."

"He will be eleven by next September First. If there are no objections, we will arrange to send him an invitation."

Sam noticed the twinkle in Albus Dumbledore's eyes. He noticed a similar gleam in Mac's eyes. "What are you two scheming about? I know that look, Mac?"

"It's a simple scheme, Sam. Neither of us is planning on telling Joe, and I'm asking you not to say anything, either. I'd like the letter to be a surprise."

Sam nodded, but he was already planning ahead. Joe 90, thanks to BIG RAT, was W.I.N.'s most special agent. To combine that with the ability to perform magic . . .

* * *

Professor McGonagall returned the smile of the figure approaching her. "I never expected to meet you when I was healthy. You should have come before this."

THIS IS A SOCIAL OCCASION, MINERVA. I THOUGHT IT ONLY PROPER TO COME. Death smiled. I RARELY HAVE THE CHANCE TO VISIT SOCIALLY.

The Transfiguration Professor looked fondly at the smiling figure. "Everyone was amazed that I survived the attack. At my age I shouldn't have survived four curses directly in the chest."

BUT YOUR ANIMAGUS FORM IS A CAT. AND THANKS TO MAGIC, YOU SHARE THAT ABILITY. AND YOU STILL HAVE FOUR MORE LIVES. Death sighed. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU DIED. I WAS SO SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HAD EIGHT LIVES LEFT.

McGonagall shuddered at the memory. "Drowning is such a horrible way to die. I made it a point to learn to swim after that. And I was so surprised to see you. I didn't know what to think. I was ready the second time, though."

Death laughed. WHEN YOU FELL THROUGH THAT WINDOW?

"It was fearful when I was falling, but it was a rather painless death."

AND THE FIRST THING YOU DID WAS TO REPAIR THE WINDOW. THEN YOU THANKED ME.

"But you never stopped to talk. And I was curious."

"I DID LINGER AFTER YOUR THIRD DEATH. IT WAS A PLEASANT CONVERSATION. Death looked down at the cup he was holding. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET SOME MORE TEA?

* * *

Harry Potter and Merlin Langspear stood in the open area in front of the teachers table. They were about twenty feet apart. Harry held out his wand and Merlin held up his staff. All the students were sitting at their tables watching with anticipation.

"Merlin, are you ready?"

"Take it easy on me, Harry. I heard how you like to show off." Merlin smirked and nodded toward the Slytherin table.

"IMPEDIMENTIA," Harry called out and shot his spell at Merlin.

"HOLD," Merlin shouted. His staff glowed as it absorbed the spell. "CLAMEROUS ECCEATOR."

"PROTEGO," Harry shouted. The bolt of lightning bounced off the protective shield and dissipated.

"Marvelous display of defense," Dumbledore said after the two boys cast a few more spells. "Do you have anything else to show us?"

"Sir," Harry noted. "I received extra credit on my O.W.L.'s for this spell. EXPECTO PATRONUM."

A brilliant white stag appeared in front of Harry. Merlin's were not the only pair of eyes to widen in appreciation. Merlin smiled as the stag walked toward him, and he raised his staff. A flash. He was gone. Another flash. A Unicorn, as white as the stag, appeared where Merlin had stood. The stag and unicorn circled each other, then walked back to Harry and circled him. Then the stag faded away. The unicorn disappeared in a flash. With another flash, Merlin was back.

"You're an animagus," Harry said.

Merlin laughed. "More than that, Harry. I'm a shape shifter." He raised his staff. This time there was no flash. He shriveled and shrank and turned a light brown. Then a falcon flew away where Merlin had stood. He flew across the Great Hall and back, landing on the teacher's table next to his mentor, Algernon Rowen-Webb, who was smiling in delight at his student. This time there was a flash and Merlin was sitting on the table. Even Harry was applauding.

* * *

Enid and Maud were looking at Mildred when the applause faded. They thought it a good time to tease their friend. Enid nodded to Maud who said, loud enough for the others to hear, "Millie, your boyfriend was very impressive."

Mildred turned toward Maud and smiled. "He was, wasn't he."

Maud and Enid looked at each other in surprise. Mildred admitted to having a boyfriend. Then they giggled.

"What was funny?" Colin Creevey asked.

Maud turned to the brown-haired boy. In that moment, she understood. She and Colin had started talking when Hermione Granger has introduced him. And Colin asked if she and her friends would like to sit with him. He was nice. And fun to talk to. And Maud had never thought about talking to boys before. Maud understood. They were growing up. And Colin had asked, "What was funny?"

"Mildred finally admitted she likes Merlin."

"I thought that was obvious."

"Yes . . . but . . . it's a girl thing. Mildred finally admitted that she has a boyfriend."

Colin nodded. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Maud was about to answer when she heard Mildred and Enid giggling. She blushed instead.

* * *

"Will you look at that," Draco Malfoy said with scorn. He was pointing to a small red-haired man in a kilt who was running by. "Did you ever see such an ugly looking fairy?"

Rob Anybody stopped and turned in anger. "Did ye ever see a fistful o' haed?"

Draco woke up in the infirmary three days later.

* * *

Dennis Creevey staggered toward Professor McGonagall.

"Dennis, have you been drinking Mistress Ogg's wine?"

"No sirree, Prefessher. It waash mine. I earned it."

"You earned wine?"

"Yup. That lady shaid I could ha-a-ave some wine if I could get my own. I tol' the houshe elf . . ."

Professor McGonagall sighed. House elves were always so eager to please that they became too gullible at times. As Dennis had forgotten what he was talking about she decided to take him to the common room. She took his hand and led him away carefully as the thirteen-year-old yawned.

"Professher, I learned a new shong. Ish about hedgehogs. D'Y'Wanna hear?"

Professor McGonagall knew about the hedgehog song. She was the one who placed the silence spell around Nanny Ogg and her chorus before they could finish the first verse.

"Go ahead, Dennis. Why don't you sing it for me?"

"Thanks," Dennis said cheerfully, "An' can you explain shome of the words. 'Specially the third verse. I think it might be . . ."

Professor McGonagall cast a floating spell on the now sleeping boy and took him to the infirmary instead. Poppy would make sure he was fine, and would see to it that he had enough of a hangover to regret what he had done. And once he recovered, she would explain to him exactly what those words meant.

* * *

It was after hours, but no one said anything to them. Hermione Granger, Mildred Hubble and Tiffany Aching sat on the steps outside of the Entrance Doors, watching as the moon made its way across the sky.

"That boy, Dennis," Mildred asked. "Is he in trouble?"

"What did he do?" Tiffany asked.

"He was caught drinking some of the wine that Nanny Ogg had. She also taught him a song and he asked that lady teacher what the words meant."

Tiffany paused. "The hedgehog song?"

"You know it?"

"Of course not. And I don't know what any of those words mean. Especially the third verse." Tiffany paused. "Which words were he asking about?"

Mildred snickered. "I think it was the third verse." She paused, then added with a blush. "Not that I know what those words mean, either."

Hermione gave a small smile. "It seems Professor McGonagall does. You could ask her."

* * *

It was an hour later

"It was an adventure," Tiffany said quietly.

"I could do without another one for a while," Mildred said in as soft a tone.

Both looked at Hermione, whose head was bowed. She had told them about Harry, about the prophecy, about recent events. They knew that, for her, the adventure was not over. Tiffany sighed.

"We could form a coven. In my world, covens always come in three."

"What does a coven do?" Mildred asked.

"Well, we get together once a week to share important matters."

"To gossip," Mildred corrected.

Tiffany glared at her while still smiling. "Gossip is important. It gives you a feel for what's going on. And we have tea. You'll have to bring the biscuits."

"Why me?" Mildred asked.

"Because you're the one who knows how to make the tea."

Mildred frowned at Tiffany, then smiled. "As long as I don't have to make the biscuits. And what else do we do?"

Tiffany looked at Hermione. "We interfere with each other's lives so that we always know what the others are up to. And none of us can get in trouble without the others knowing . . . and coming to help." Tiffany stood up and faced the other two girls. She held out her hands. "Are we a coven?"

"We are," Mildred said as she stood up. She took Tiffany's hand and held out her other hand to Hermione.

Hermione looked up at her two friends. The three of them were so different but so much the same. She stood up and took both their hands.

"I'll bring the biscuits."


	13. All The Extra Stuff

Chapter Thirteen: All The Extra Stuff

A/N: This chapter, as the title suggests, contains all the extra stuff. It begins with an essay on magic so that I can show everyone how smart I (think I) am.

This is followed by the bibliography, generally to give everyone an idea of what my sources are. In case anyone is interested.

Third is a last minute addition suggested by Ouatic-7. The suggestion was tongue-in-cheek and so is this short story.

The last part is one of those stories where I wrote one chapter and never got around to finishing the rest of it. I may finish it one day, but it won't be in the near future. As usual, it is a crossover with a young Edmund Blackadder in the role of Harry Potter. The odds are that you can already guess the title.

* * *

Essay: Magic in the Air

There are three distinct worlds of magic depicted in this story.

The first form of magic is that as represented by the First Witch, Hermione Granger. In her world, people are either born with the ability to perform magic, or they are not. It appears to be a genetic disposition.

Once a person is determined to be capable of magic, that person is taught how to perform the spells. At the age of eleven, she (or he) chooses a wand which is most compatible. And then goes to a school. There, the skills are honed as the child learns the various spells and potions. Her success is determined by her ability to grasp the fundamentals of magic. In a previous story I wrote, _Harry and Malcolm: Together Again_, the character, Malcolm, explains this quite well:

_"Magic is all around us and in each of us in this classroom. Those who can handle magic the best are the strongest and most powerful wizards and witches. Those who best understand what magic is can best handle it. With magic, Knowledge literally is power. If you know what you want to do, you can do what you want. That is the way magic works."_

_"Intent and Implication," Malcolm repeated. "If you know what you intend with a clear enough vision you do not need words. Words and hand gestures are only rituals. A powerful wizard is one who knows that intent is what is important. And that is why we have this class. Intent is what makes the difference between ordinary magic and the Dark Arts."_

Malcolm also explained the concepts of Intent and Implications in casting spells:

_. . . "When I talk about implications, I'm referring to intent. Are all of you clear on what I mean when I say intent?"_

_Rose raised her hand. "Intent is the desire that motivates a spell. It is not enough to want something, we have to know what we want and to have as clear an idea as possible."_

_Did you see that? She read from her notes. These kids are actually taking notes in my class._

_NO. I didn't mean that. This is not a class. I'm only answering a few question._

_"You quoted me word for word. But do you know what it means?"_

_Rose frowned. "It means that, say I want to bake a loaf of bread by magic, it's not enough to know I want a loaf of bread, I need to know how to bake it."_

_"Close, you're describing the rules of the formula, the context of the spell. When you intend, you have to conceive, you have to hold the idea in your mind, of a baked loaf of bread. When you formulate the spell, that is when you need to know how."_

_Several students nodded._

_"Implication," Malcolm said. "To imply. Let's stick with the analogy of the loaf of bread. When we alter a spell, we alter the intent. If we do not keep the proper image in mind, we are also making a change in the spell, although not as drastic in most cases. For example, when we cast the spell to bake a loaf of bread and we imagine, say, eating a toasted slice with butter. We've implied something else. The spell is correct and the bread bakes, but it could have a slight buttery taste. That would be a nice extra. But it could end up being a loaf of toast. Think of the loaf as being one giant crust. By letting your mind wander, you've ruined a perfectly good loaf of bread. Mitchell?"_

_"That doesn't seem like much of a change."_

_"You're thinking small. Let's try it on a larger scale. Has anyone here ever been to St. Mungo's for treatment?" Two students raised their hands. "Would either of you have preferred to have the doctor thinking about his dinner when he was helping you or are you happy that he concentrated on the task at hand?"_

The Second form of magic is that of Mildred Hubble from the series of stories about "The Worst Witch." In her world, anyone can learn magic. It is not a genetic factor, such as a fine singing voice or perfect vision. It is more along the lines of Car Maintenance or Art Class. In one case, being mechanically inclined, and in the other being dexterous, are assets but they make that person more skillful. Anyone can draw, but some of us are artists. Anyone can fix a car by following the manual and using the proper tools, but some of us can tune a carburetor simply by listening to the sound of the engine.

As a result of this fact, that anyone can choose to be a witch or a wizard, a different system of education takes place. Children don't receive invitations delivered by owls. They apply, the same as they would to any other school. Mildred Hubble, for example, did not have the best grades in her primary school, but she wrote an excellent and imaginative essay which attracted the attention of the headmistress at one of the schools. As a result, she earned a scholarship to Miss Cackle's Academy for Young Witches.

Mildred is not the best pupil. She fails to do spells properly, but not because of her intentions. As Miss Hardbroom noted in Chapter Five, if intention were the driving force of a spell, Mildred would be a very powerful witch. In the same chapter, Mildred admits that her problem is that she is always making mistakes. She will say the wrong words and nothing will happen or, worse yet, she will cause something unexpected to happen.

One similarity between the two worlds seems to be potions. If you prepare the potion properly, it works. If you make the slightest mistake, it won't work or will have terrible consequences. This is true regardless if it is Neville Longbottom's cauldron melting, or Mildred and Maud accidentally turning invisible when they were trying to make a laughing potion.

The Third form of magic, that of the Disc World, is the most subtle. It can be flashy, as with the wizards in Ahnk-Morpock. It can consist of rituals and spells, as in Perdita Nitt's former coven. And it can be very simple. In one book, Granny Weatherwax is challenged to a contest, to take place inside a magic circle. She drags her foot along the ground to scratch out a circle in the dirt. Her opponent protest that there needs to be enchantments. Granny's reaction is to laugh. "It's a magic circle because I says it is."

Tiffany is a witch even though she is ten. She knows she is a witch because she decided she was one. She had it within her to become a witch but that did not make her one. She is learning about the knack of being a witch but that doesn't make her any less of one. She can perform magic. She knows she can. She has. She just doesn't know everything there is to know. So she learns from other witches. As she points out in Chapter Four, she knows the big things. She needs to learn the little things. It's headology, according to Granny Weatherwax.

The interesting thing about the disc world is that it is made up of magic. It survives on magic. Yet as a witch, the most important thing is to know when you don't need to do magic. A good example is when Granny Weatherwax was trying to explain to a family which suffered chronic illnesses that they stemmed from building the outhouse too close to the well.

"You built that outhouse right over a nest of gnomes, an' they're cursin' you for it. Fill it in and cover it with rocks. Dig a new outhouse over there, near the fence. Then the gnomes'll quiet down and take off their curses."

As Granny explained to Tiffany, it was a lie but these were simple people and superstitious. It was easier to get them to do the right thing than by trying to explain the contamination of the water supply by seepage from the storage pit of the latrine.

The Fourth world in the cosmology of the story does not have magic. Wizards and witches are the subject of fantasy. This is the world of Joe 90. Joe is only ten but he has the ability to know anything that another person knows. This is not done by magic, but by the use of technology. And as Loki point out, in his guise as Doctor Leo Key, any technology that is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. It is interesting to note that, except for a brief question from Harry Potter about the use of a mechanical device, no one seems to notice Joe's abilities for what they are. For everyone else, Joe's technology is Joe's magic. And that outlook gives food for thought.

Here's an example. Imagine a world where people can talk to anyone instantly; where borders are almost nonexistent because of the means of instant communication; where ideas, art, music, anything, can be shared with anyone, anywhere. And here's the kicker. The great majority of people who read this were born after the first moon landing. I remember Sputnik. (Look it up in the history books.)

Back then the biggest computer was UNIVAC, which used tubes (Ask your grandfather). I remember seeing the prototype of the first home computer. It was three feet high, five feet long and two feet thick. And that was just the CPU. It had a revolutionary liquid mercury core which could hold up to Five Megs of information. Everyone was amazed at its capabilities.

Today, I have a cheap computer, with a hard drive of only 40 gigabytes. I have internet access through my phone line, and stories I have posted on have been read, and reviewed, by people on every continent (except Antarctica). I carry around in my shirt pocket a phone that can be used anywhere in the United States. I have to pay extra if I go outside of North America. I can't use it to take or send pictures because I'm too cheap to spend that much money. (Remember, my computer is also the cheapest available.) I don't know about you, the average reader, but my world is filled with magic. I suppose that's why I like writing about it. We write about what we know.

* * *

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Books:

Harry Potter, Books 1 thru 5, JK Rowling

The Worst Witch, Jill Murphy

The Worst Witch Strikes Again, Jill Murphy

A Bad Spell for the Worst Witch, Jill Murphy

The Worst Witch at Sea, Jill Murphy

The Wee Free Men, Terry Prachett

A Hat Full of Sky, Terry Prachett

Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

World Mythology,

Schrödinger's Rabbits, Colin Bruce

The Science of Discworld, Terry Prachett, Ian Stewart, Jack Cohen

DVDs:

Little Nemo, Helmdale Pictures, 1992

The Worst Witch, TV Series for the first two years.

Joe 90, the complete series, Gerry Anderson, 1969, 2003

WEB SITES

The Harry Potter Lexicon

BIG RAT - The Joe 90 Web Site

The Worst Witch Web Site (at galafilms dot com)

* * *

Preview: The Harry Potter, Worst Witch, Disc World, Joe 90, Star Trek, Malcolm crossover.

(_This is really stupid. Everybody gets to go to a neat school except me. I get to be a Krelboyne._)

"Joe, are you going to be a Krelboyne this year?"

Joe smiled. "Sorry, Malcolm, I lucked out. My secret government job prevents me from having any formal education. I get to be home schooled by my dad when I'm not engaged in any spying missions."

(_That's what I like about Joe. He has no grasp of reality._)

Joe nudged Malcolm. "There's Mildred Hubble. She got a scholarship to that Witch's school."

Malcolm frowned. "The same one that showoff Hermione goes to? Some people have all the luck."

Joe laughed at Malcolm. "This is a different one. It's an all girls school she told me. Hermione goes to the one that the Potter kid goes to. Malcolm, why don't you do what Tiffany Aching does. Have someone tutor you in magic if you can't go to a school."

This time Malcolm snorted. "Oh yeah. That would be great. And have a bunch of ugly blue men hanging around me all the time. No thanks. I'd rather be a Krelboyne."

Suddenly, the air shimmered in front of the two boys and Mr. Spock materialized out of thin air.

"Are you from outer space?" Malcolm asked.

"That should be obvious," Spock answered.

"Wow, this is great. Are you here to make me a space cadet, um, space student and show me the wonders of the universe."

Spock shook his head. "I was merely curious. How is it that all of these other children are your friends on a daily basis yet you live in the United States?"

* * *

Edmund Blackadder and the Philosopher's Stone

It was still dark when Edmund woke in the small bedroom of the house on Privet Drive. He could hear his cousin, Dudley, snoring in the next room but that did not bother him. Dudley sleeping was much better than Dudley awake.

His had not been an easy life, Edmund reflected, but it had been interesting. His parents died in an accident when he was only one and he had been forced to live with his Aunt and her equally disgusting husband and son. He spent years sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs until the day he discovered the wonders of photography combined with the skillful tactics of blackmail. His life had gradually improved but he was still forced to live in the same house with his Aunt and Uncle.

Then his life was turned upside down, or rightside up if one preferred to speak in positive terms. The first inkling of this was when Dudley turned eleven.

* * *

Edmund walked into the kitchen to see the room filled with presents and his overweight cousin staring at them.

"How many are there?" Dudley asked accusingly.

"Thirty-Six," Uncle Vernon said cheerfully. "I counted them myself."

"Ah," Edmund sneered under his breath, "The mathematical genius reveals himself."

"Thirty Six?" Dudley was outraged. "But last year, last year there were Thirty Seven."

"No there weren't, you ninny," Edmund said scornfully. "There were only Thirty Two. Six bottles of your favorite cola only counts as one gift."

"Does not," Dudley said adamantly.

"Edmund," Aunt Petunia said harshly, "Don't tease your cousin like that. You are so ungrateful for all the things we do for you."

"That's me," Edmund said cheerfully. "Never happy unless I get at least a tenth of what the junior whale gets." He shrugged his shoulders. They weren't listening to him.

"This is what we'll do, pumpkin," Aunt Petunia was saying. "We'll stop and get you two more presents on the way back from the zoo. Then there will be Thirty Eight."

Mollified, Dudley sat down to eat his breakfast. To mollify himself further, he also grabbed Edmund's breakfast and dumped it onto his own plate.

"That's right," Edmund noted. "I don't need food to survive anyway." He walked to the pantry and swiped a pack of Dudley's pop tarts and headed back to his room. "Let me know when it's time to go to the zoo."

"I don't want him to come," Dudley complained. Edmund did not wait to hear the rest of the conversation. He wanted to go, and Uncle Vernon would make sure of it.

Dudley was still upset when he climbed into the car. He was crying about Edmund having to come along. Until his best friend Piers Polkiss showed up. Then he suddenly became dry eyed and obnoxious. (As opposed to weepy eyed and obnoxious.) He told Piers that he was letting his cousin come along. There might be a chance for fun.

Edmund hated Dudley. Uncle Vernon was easy to manipulate, and Aunt Petunia was more difficult, but Dudley was impossible. Edmund could say anything about his cousin, regardless of how true it was, and Dudley wouldn't care. It only gave him another excuse to use his fists. Despite Edmund's best efforts, his Aunt and Uncle would never believe anything bad about their son. As a result, Edmund spent most of his life trying to avoid being alone with Dudley or, worse yet, being alone with Dudley and his friends.

Today was the exception. Edmund never went anywhere and he wanted to finally do something. After several threats and counter-threats, Uncle Vernon relented. Then Edmund found out that the babysitter wasn't available, and he was going anyway. He marked it down as practice.

"I'm warning you, boy," Vernon said as his final threat. Everyone else was already in the car. "No funny business. If you do anything, ANYTHING, I'll throw you back in that cupboard, and to hell with the negatives."

Edmund nodded sullenly.

* * *

"Make him move," Dudley demanded.

"Why don't you jump up," Edmund suggested. "The shock wave when you land will make the whole building move.

Uncle Vernon rapped on the glass as Piers hit Edmund.

"Do it again," Dudley demanded.

Uncle Vernon rapped harder while Piers went to hit Edmund again. At the last second, Edmund moved and Piers struck Dudley instead. The Boa Constrictor didn't do anything. Dudley hit Piers then walked away. "Snakes are boring.

Edmund smirked as they walked away. He looked in the case and smiled at the snake. "At least you can ignore him."

The snake suddenly opened it's eyes. It raised it's head to look at Edmund, and winked. Edmund stared in surprise, then winked back, grinning with delight. "Can you understand me?"

The snake nodded.

"Well, that puts you one up on my cousin. He can't understand anything except dinner time." Edmund let out a laugh of delight when the snake nodded in agreement.

"That proves it. You're intelligent as well. Now you're two up on Dudley."

"DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! LOOK WHAT THE SNAKE IS DOING."

Piers ran back and knocked Edmund out of the way. Dudley then hit his cousin in the ribs saying, "Get away, You," and Edmund fell hard on the concrete floor.

That was when it happened. As Edmund glared angrily at Dudley and Piers, the glass they were leaning against suddenly disappeared. The great snake uncoiled itself as the two boys stood there in horror. It suddenly snapped at them, causing them to scream. Then it made it's way out of the cage and headed toward the door, pausing to turn and give another hiss at Dudley. As the Boa turned away and passed Edmund, it winked again.

"Thanks," Edmund said to the snake, "for scaring Dudley."

"Consider it a professsional courtesssy," the Boa Constrictor responded with a hiss, and slithered out of the reptile house. Edmund looked longingly as the kindred spirit disappeared around the corner of the building.

Vernon Dursley was glaring at Edmund, but Edmund wasn't worried.

"What?" Edmund said scornfully. "Are you going to blame me because Dudley let the snake escape?"

"You know what happened," Uncle Vernon said angrily as Dudley and Piers kept whimpering and Aunt Petunia tried to console them.

"Right. I made the glass disappear by magic or something."

Edmund cringed. He had accidently said the M word. Uncle Vernon's face turned bright purple. "GET. . .IN. . .THE. . .CAR. . .NOW."

* * *

Two days later, Edmund was released from his prison under the stairs.

His first task was to fetch the mail. There was a bill, an advert for Cable Television and a letter on old fashioned style paper. His hand shook as he read who it was addressed to: Edmund Blackadder, the prison under the stairs, No. 4 Privet Drive . . .

Edmund was amazed. He never received mail. And he never told anyone his pet name for the cupboard. He looked at the back of the envelope and the wax seal. It had a large H and was surrounded by four animals, and right next to it was a thumb exactly the same as the one Uncle Vernon had.

"And what is this?" Uncle Vernon demanded as he grabbed the letter. He looked at the address and at the seal and his face went pale. Aunt Petunia came over to see what the problem was. She looked at the letter and he lower lip began to quiver. Edmund tried to grab the letter but was forced away. Uncle Vernon tore the letter in pieces and shouted, "I won't let it happen. NEVER."

"That," Edmund said coldly, "was my letter."

"Not any more," Uncle Vernon said. "Now go to your room. We'll call you when supper is ready."

Edmund spent most of his time after that in his room, coming down only for meals. Occasionally he would hear his Uncle swearing, usually after the post was delivered. Then, two days before his birthday, Edmund heard Aunt Petunia start to scream. Dudley's wail could barely be heard over the noise. After a half hour had passed, footsteps could be heard running up the stairs, and Uncle Vernon unlocked the bedroom door.

"Come along, you. And don't ask any questions."

Edmund was grabbed and dragged down the stairs and out the front door. As he passed the living room he noticed dozens of letters lying all over the place but he was being pulled too hard to do anything. Uncle Vernon dragged him into the car where the rest of the family was waiting and drove away.

Something had happened. Something that Edmund could take advantage of if only he knew what it was. All he knew was that it had something to do with that letter. He knew that because he was dragged to a motel and the next morning the clerk said there were a hundred letters for HIM.

* * *

It was July 30, when Edmund Blackadder found himself lying on the floor. He was cold, the fireplace was unlit, and Dudley was snoring on the ratty couch next to him. Edmund did not object. In his opinion, the floor was cleaner. He could see Dudley's watch and noticed the time. It was almost midnight, almost his birthday. He drew the outline of a birthday cake, then rubbed it out with his hand. "Bother all of this. I won't make any birthday wishes. It's time to make birthday plans." As Edmund tried to figure out a way to have Uncle Vernon declared mentally incompetent (His recent actions should make that easy to do), Dudley's watch began to beep. It was midnight. Edmund was eleven. And someone was banging on the door of a rundown cottage on a rocky crag in the middle of the Irish Sea during a thunderstorm.

Edmund looked up in time to see the door fall onto the floor, and a giant figure stepped into the room. The giant picked the door up and wedged it back into its frame, then turned around just as Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia ran into the room. Uncle Vernon had a shot gun. The giant looked at them and said, "Would it be to much to ask ye fer a spot o' tea? I wouldn't object to somethin' stronger either, mind ye."

Then the giant turned toward the two boys. He dismissed Dudley on sight and turned toward . . ."

"Edmund! Yer the spittin' image of yer dad, alright."

"You know me?"

"Course I do. I even held ye when ye were just a baby. Wait, I've got somethin' fer ye. I might o' set on it a bit but it should taste fine."

The giant pulled a box out of his voluminous overcoat and handed it to the boy. Inside a cake with orange icing. On it was written, "Happee Birthdae, Edmund."

"Oh," Edmund said with mock excitement, "this is exactly what I need after days of near starvation. A large sugar intake." When the giant guffawed, Edmund looked up. "May I ask who you are?"

"Sure, ye can," the giant said with a grin. "And ye have yer dad's sense of humor as well, I'm happy to say."

Edmund shook his head. The giant was actually going to make him do it. "Fine. I'll ask. Who are you?"

"Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. But ye know all about Hogwarts."

"Hogwarts? Is that a real name?"

"Of course it's a real name." Hagrid turned to the Dursleys in surprise. "Don't tell me ye never told him about Hogwarts."

"Why should we?" Uncle Vernon demanded. "We swore when we took him in we would put an end to this nonsense."

"Excuse me," Edmund said politely, which surprised everyone except Uncle Vernon, who immediately became suspicious. "Could I ask what this nonsense is. After all, it is about me." He then smiled innocently.

"As if you didn't know," Aunt Petunia said angrily.

"This will surprise you, my dearest Aunt, but I don't. Things like that happen when no one tells you anything." Edmund turned to Dudley who was about to say something. "Don't bother. It won't make any sense anyway." He turned to Hagrid. "Well? It seems you have all the answers."

"Yer a wizard, Edmund."

"A wizard?" Edmund was surprised. "As in magic wands and long pointy hats and robes covered in stars?"

Hagrid grinned widely. "Yes, yes and yes, although most wizards go fer plain coloured robes."

"I don't know what you have been drinking but I would like a glass if you've any left." Edmund smiled again.

Hagrid smiled back. "Has anything ever happened to ye that ye couldn't explain."

Edmund frowned. "Such as being forced to live with the Dursleys?"

Hagrid laughed at what he thought was a joke. "Did ye ever do anything that ye couldn't explain?"

"Well," Edmund thought, then remembered the disappearing glass at the zoo, and talking to the snake.

Hagrid saw the look. "That was magic." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter, handing it to the confused boy.

"He's not going," Uncle Vernon shouted.

Hagrid shouted back. "And I suppose a muggle like yerself is going to stop him."

"WE SWORE . . ." Uncle Vernon shouted.

"It's not polite to swear," Edmund said evenly, holding the opened letter in his hand. "Do you know what this is? According to this letter I have to go far away to a private school and stay there for ten months out of the year." Edmund paused for effect. "But the choice is yours, Uncle. If you want, you can put up with me every day until I reach my majority, and pay for the pleasure, or . . ." Edmund paused, this time to make sure he had everyone's attention, except for Dudley who was off in the corner eating the cake. "Or, my dear loving uncle, you can be stuck with me for only two months each summer."

Uncle Vernon hesitated. "I never thought of it that way."

Aunt Petunia nodded. "He does make a convincing argument."

And Dudley said, "Mrpph."

"YOU LAZY PIG," Hagrid shouted when he noticed Dudley. He pointed a pink umbrella at the boy and said something. There was a flash of light, and a pigs tail was sticking out the back of Dudley's pajamas.

"Sorry," Hagrid whispered to Edmund. "I was tryin' fer the whole pig."

"You succeeded," Edmund replied. "That was the only part that was missing."

* * *

Edmund heard Hagrid stir and awoke in front of the cheerful fire the giant had made. He was then handed a full-sized breakfast the likes he had never seen before, at least not on his plate. After breakfast, they made ready to leave, the Dursleys happily helping them out the door. Before he left the hut, Edmund turned around to face his Aunt and Uncle.

"I should say it's been fun but I hate lying. But I do think I owe you a parting gift." He reached inside his shirt and pulled out a manila envelope. "Priceless pictures, not suitable for children, of my babysitter and someone in this room." He threw the envelope on the floor between the two adults.

Petunia Dursley stared at the envelope as the words that Edmund had spoken began to register in her brain. In shock and surprise she looked at her husband.

"Vernon," she said, almost in tears, "I can explain everything."


End file.
